


In The Aftermath

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-05-24 13:31:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14955590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: It was the first snowfall of the season.  Toby was holding on to the windowsill, watching it fall.  On instinct, he turned, wanting to tell Adil how much he loved the snow, as he often wanted to share these things.  Trivial, but so important at the same time.  Even with all their time together, Toby loved learning the little things about Adil…just as he knew Adil loved learning the little things about him.But Adil was gone now…a fact Toby still hadn’t quite accepted.





	1. GHOSTS

**Author's Note:**

> Starting my first multi-chapter story! I promised myself I wasn't going to, but there was no way I could fit it all in a one-shot.
> 
> This takes place shortly after the war ends. It's kind of angsty at the moment, but I believe in happy endings...  
> I don't know how long it's going to be, so I guess we'll just go with it!
> 
> The Halcyon and boys don't belong to me. I get nothing out of this except promises of happy endings.

It was the first snowfall of the season. Toby was holding on to the windowsill, watching it fall. On instinct, he turned, wanting to tell Adil how much he loved the snow, as he often wanted to share these things. Trivial, but so important at the same time. Even with all their time together, Toby loved learning the little things about Adil…just as he knew Adil loved learning the little things about him.

But Adil was gone now…a fact Toby still hadn’t quite accepted.

The two men had shared declarations of love and forgiveness the night the Halcyon was hit. Everything was suddenly put on the table that night. Toby and Adil had talked all night, waiting for Adil’s coughing fits to subside completely. When Adil’s coughing had mostly stopped, enough that they felt his health was safe, they had spent the night making love. Toby was so sure everything was going to be okay after that. Secrets were no longer. Forgiveness reached for everything that had happened. And _love_. Toby and Adil were finally able to tell each other without fear.

But he was wrong. Things _weren’t_ okay.

Thickly, through tears, Adil had said they couldn’t do this any longer. Even after finding out D’Abberville was dead, Adil knew they could never be safe together. Because if not D’Abberville, someone else. There were a million people out there that could compromise everything. Ruin their lives…ruin _Toby’s_ life. For their safety…for _Toby’s_ safety, Adil really did have to disappear.

Toby had begged. He had sobbed. After everything, Adil couldn’t just _desert_ him. He had held Adil’s hands so tight his knuckles turned white. He had done everything he thought he could to convince Adil to stay. Stay there, in his little flat in Paddington. Stay at the Halcyon. Stay with Toby. The man who loved him and he loved.

But Adil was steadfast. It killed him inside, giving up the man he loved, but Toby would never be safe from potential scandal if they remained together. No one could care about Adil, but Toby was an important member of society. A scandal would be a nightmare…and even if Toby didn’t care, Adil did. He loved Toby too much for that risk to come up again.

Adil had to tell Toby not to try and find him…he had to make him _promise_. He wouldn’t be attempting suicide again, just disappearing from Toby’s life. Toby would be better off. Adil tried to convince him. Toby wouldn’t hear it. But things were already set for Adil’s disappearance.

So Adil left, leaving his ghost everywhere Toby went. Toby had tried to find Adil initially, but the man he loved had done a damn good job of vanishing. Toby looked everywhere- every fancy hotel and restaurant and bar in London. Adil was gone.

“I love the snow,” Toby said to the memory of Adil beside him. Tears welled in his eyes. How the hell could he _ever_ get over Adil?

***

After the war, Toby decided to return to school. It seemed like the natural move. He ended up back at Oxford in a Maths post-grad program. The years hadn’t necessarily been easy for him. Between everything that had happened with his role in the War Office and Adil vanishing, Toby had quite a few struggles. He had had a handful of casual encounters with men, but the memory and his lingering love for Adil prevented Toby from developing anything more with the men.

It was the first snowfall of the season. Toby’s mind drifted to the first snowfall after Adil left…as it always did. At the moment, there was barely any sticking to the ground…just enough for a crunching noise as Toby tread across it.

“I love the snow,” he said to the memory of Adil that followed him everywhere.

It had been years, but Adil still haunted him. The man he loved so much…most of the time, Toby could keep it under control. He tried to convince himself that Adil was just his first love. That someday he would find someone who would fix his broken heart. First loves were always the hardest, right? But sometimes he felt the heartbreak anyway. The days he couldn’t convince himself…which were, in all honesty, most of them. There was the hollowed out feeling of having given someone his heart…and not having gotten it back after the man he loved had disappeared.

Going back to Oxford was a blessing in some ways. Leaving the rebuilt Halcyon with all its ghosts. His mother pestering him to find a wife…apparently even more important now that the war was over. Freddie and Emma had gotten married almost right away, which Toby had hoped would appease his mother enough, but apparently she just _ached_ for her younger son, all alone.

But it was only Adil. It had only _ever_ been Adil.

The sex was okay, Toby supposed, but it didn’t _mean_ anything. Just a carnal release, the need for human contact. It wasn’t something he was necessarily _proud_ of, of course. He had tried to have feelings for some of them, but the sad fact was that he was never going to get over Adil. Toby knew that even when he tried to convince himself Adil was just his first love. That there would be more.

It was completely _unfair_ …after all these years, Toby hadn’t been able to _really_ say goodbye.

***

It was one of those days where Toby was feeling particularly empty. Maybe it was the snow. He tried to push it down. He lunched with some friends, but mostly found his mind drifting.

“You all right, Hamilton?” Basil asked hesitantly.

“Just a bit tired,” Toby smiled weakly.

Toby’s friends knew he had these moments. Moments where he just…wasn’t present. The off days. And the way Toby needed help was always a gamble. Sometimes he needed a good distraction and conversation. Sometimes he just needed to be left to his thoughts. Today he just needed to drift, only half listening to Julius’s story about how he had finally gotten his dissertation topic approved.

It was Friday, and the group decided they would do drinks that evening, as if they didn’t do that most Fridays anyway. And although Toby wasn’t sure he wanted to join, the idea of getting totally pissed won over.

“There’s this new bar my sister told me about,” Basil said. “Super ritzy. We should give it a look.”

“Where is it?” Aidan leaned forward curiously. He always did like the idea of _ritzy_.

“Other side of town. Supposedly very _swanky_. We could pick up the right sort of girl there.”

With all the time Toby had spent in the Halcyon bar, he wasn’t sure he wanted _swanky_. Wasn’t that one of the things he was constantly trying to escape? And that wasn’t even factoring in the idea of ‘the right sort of girl’. “Can’t we just go to the Old Haunt?” Toby inquired about their usual pub.

“Oh come on, Toby,” Julius clapped his friend on the shoulder. “Everyone needs a fancy night out from time to time. And as aristocracy, we need to find you a deserving lady.”

Although Toby kept a slightly pained smile on his face, he could feel his heart hurting. All that came up were thoughts of Adil. _Of course_ he didn’t want a ‘deserving lady’. Not that he could confide in his friends _why_.

“Well, I’m game,” Aidan shrugged, trying to look less excited than he obviously was. “It’ll be fun to have a posh night out.”

There was another bar on the other side of town…completely secret with a doorman and a password. Toby had found out about it shortly after arriving in Oxford. It was a bar exclusive to homosexual men, and it was where Toby picked up most of the men he had been with. It wasn’t glamorous, but it did its job. Toby hoped it was close enough that if he couldn’t deal with the fancy bar and pretty women, it would be an easy enough escape.

Toby’s friends continued to talk, but Toby was miles away. At the moment, picking up a man made him feel queasy. The snow had stopped, but the memory of Adil was still with him. _God_ , he wished the other man’s ghost would stop haunting him. Toby closed his eyes, willing the man he still loved away. Maybe that was a sign he _should_ partake in a casual encounter.

“Toby?”

He looked up. “Just tired,” he assured.

“You’re not getting out of coming with us tonight,” Julius teased. “And we _are_ going to find you a woman.”

_Right. At this fancy new bar_ , Toby thought. He prayed it wasn’t like the Halcyon. There had been too many similarly set up bars in between, ones he had discovered whilst trying to find Adil. He wouldn’t be able to stomach a bar like the Halcyon tonight. After all, one of the reasons he had left was the ghosts. Toby had made a new home for himself in Oxford, and he wasn’t sure he could handle a fancy bar at all. He dressed up for college functions, of course, but he hadn’t gotten dressed up just to go out in ages.

_Why_ had he even agreed to this? Or rather…let his friends talk him into it. This was all the sort of thing Toby just wanted to avoid these days. He had spent too long living a lavish, fancy life.

He just wanted a pint. Or however many it took to forget.

***

And yet, here Toby was, getting dressed up all nice for this new, classy bar they were visiting tonight. Looking through the suits he had brought along to Oxford, the man’s fingers closed on one. One that hadn’t seen the light of day for some time. Toby wasn’t entirely sure why he had brought it at all…it was Adil’s favorite suit on him.

“I’ll wear it for you,” he mumbled to Adil’s memory. He pulled out a bowtie…the only one he could possibly imagine putting on with this suit… _Adil’s_ bowtie that Toby hadn’t been able to give up. It was really the only thing of Adil’s he had. Aside from the memories.

Toby’s hands were shaking as he did up the bowtie, though he tried to convince himself he was being ridiculous. He should choose a different suit and a different tie…for his own sanity. It took him longer than he cared to admit to get it tied properly and presentable, and left no time to change his outfit. Toby fingered the bowtie gently…it had stopped smelling like Adil years ago, but it was still _his_.

By the time Toby had finished getting ready, he was running late anyway. He smoked a cigarette as he headed to meet up with his friends.

“How could it possibly take you that long to get ready?” Basil asked.

“You’re worse than a girl,” Julius teased.

Toby chuckled. “I can’t find a woman looking anything but my absolute best,” sometimes it was easiest to just play along, even if he didn’t feel like it.

The other three men nodded approvingly. “That’s the spirit, Hamilton!” Aidan laughed.

It was a bit odd to see everyone dressed up, as there was usually no need to, but chatter was the same as always as they walked through town. It was bustling, of course, on a Friday night, and Toby found himself wishing he could just melt into the crowd. Disappear, and no one would realize he was gone until it was too late to find him. Maybe he should just excuse himself…head over to the secret pub, pick up someone for a casual fuck. Toby was finding more and more that he did _not_ want to do this. He had thought he had escaped fancy bars ages ago.

But Toby knew he wouldn’t be able to get that past his friends. Faking sick would be suspicious, as he had not shown any symptoms all day. He would just have to suck it up.

“Where is this place?” Aidan asked. “Nearby? It’s bloody freezing out.”

It was starting to snow again. Without thinking, Toby’s hand rose to touch his bowtie. He felt his mood falling…falling…as thinking about Adil too much did to him.

Toby had no idea why this was hitting him so hard. Most of the time he could keep it contained. It was starting to feel like something big was lurking around the corner…and it made the man nervous.

Toby followed his friends in silence, his mind drifting.

***

The day Adil left was the worst day of Toby’s life.

Toby had thought everything was okay with them… _more_ than okay. They had made it through so much…blackmail, lies, a suicide attempt, a bombing. Because they _loved_ each other. That meant they were going to make things work.

And then, one night as Toby entered Adil’s flat, everything came crashing down.

Adil evaded Toby’s kiss, making Toby frown. “Adil?”

“I’m leaving,” Adil blurted out.

Toby blinked at him. Were they going somewhere that he had missed plans for? “You mean… _we’re_ leaving…right?” Toby knew that he was wrong. But…after everything…

Adil was crying now. Toby felt his heart breaking as the reality of the situation hit him and he saw where this was going. “Toby…we can’t keep doing this.”

Tears were starting to drip down Toby’s face. “Stop it, Adil. I don’t know what you’re doing, but _stop_.”

“You’ll never be safe if you’re with me.”

Toby took Adil’s hands, holding them so tight his knuckles turned white. “Unless I put on some façade and marry a woman to hide who I am…which will _never_ happen, I’ll never be safe with _anyone_.”

“I’ve already fucked up your life enough, Toby.”

“Don’t leave me,” Toby’s crying had turned into full sobs, bubbling in his chest and coming out ugly. “ _Please_ , Adil…I can’t be _happy_ without you…I can’t be _Toby_ without you…I can’t _be_ without you…”

Adil reached up and touched Toby’s cheek gently. A familiar touch that carried too much. “You’ll be fine, Toby,” he said softly and sadly.

“No,” Toby covered Adil’s hand with his own. “No, no…I _won’t_ be fine. There’s no possible way I could be fine without you. Don’t go, Adil… _God_ , please don’t go.”

Both men were sobbing, though Adil seemed slightly more put together…he had been much more prepared for this. “I have to go, Toby.”

“No, Adil… _no_. I love you…you can’t…you can’t…I love you, Adil, you can’t _do_ this.”

“It’s for your safety,” Adil reiterated. “D’Abberville may be gone, but what about the next one that comes along?”

Toby was sobbing and shaking, finally sitting heavily on Adil’s bed. “I don’t care, Adil. There may not ever be another one! And even if there was…we’d find a way…we love each other…we’ll _always_ find a way.”

Adil sat beside him. “I have to disappear, Toby. It’s the only way…and you have to promise me you won’t come looking for me.”

“God, Adil… _no_!” Toby choked.

“Promise me, Toby.”

“ _No_!”

“ _Toby_!” Adil pressed his lips lightly to Toby’s. “You have to promise me.”

Toby dropped his head onto Adil’s shoulder, his whole body shaking. “I love you,” he sniffed, tears still falling. “I _can’t_ promise.”

“You have to,” Adil said, barely above a whisper.

There was no getting around this one. “I love you,” Toby said again, a hardly there whisper.

“I love you too, Toby,” Adil took a shaky breath. “That’s why I have to do this. Why I have to disappear. I can’t risk it all again. Your safety-”

“I don’t give a damn!”

“Well I do.”

Toby knew there was no changing Adil’s mind. Not when he was this set in his decision. Toby sobbed into the other man’s shoulder. “I love you…I love you…I love you…”

Adil choked out a sob. “I love you too, Toby…I love you, too.”

The feeling of dread and sadness filled every fiber of Toby’s very being. “Adil…maybe someday…”

“No, Toby.”

Probably against their better judgement, Toby and Adil made love that night, every kiss and touch and muttered sweet nothing and whispers of each other’s names seared into their bodies and minds.

When Toby woke up the next morning, Adil was gone.

***

The way Toby saw it, he had never _explicitly_ promised not to go looking for Adil. So he did. He went to every fancy hotel and upper class bar in London. He visited them all multiple times in case he missed Adil because of a day or night off.

But Adil had done a damn good job vanishing. Toby supposed he had moved out of London, which did make quite a bit of sense for a proper disappearance. It was only after weeks that Toby realized he had exhausted his search of establishments in London.

Adil was gone, and he had taken Toby’s heart with him.

***

“Here we are,” Basil said cheerfully. Toby almost walked right into his friend, so lost in his own thoughts.

They had stopped in front of an old stone building, soft music coming from inside. Men and women dressed to the nines were coming in and out of the building. _Definitely_ swanky. Toby eyed the door warily, again half afraid he was going to walk right into the bar at the Halcyon. Part of him thought his mother would be proud, visiting a nicer establishment. Not that she had any idea what he got up to since moving away…which was probably for the best.

Looking around, Toby tried to map out where they were. He was pretty sure he knew the area…if his geography was correct, and he was pretty sure it was, the secret pub was just a few streets over. Easy enough to escape to if he wanted.

“Toby?”

Toby looked up at Julius. “Sorry,” he mumbled, forcing a smile onto his face. “Just tired.”

The excuse was getting old, and Toby knew it. There was only so much longer he could get away with it. As much as he cared for his friends, Toby knew he couldn’t indulge any secrets. He thought about what Adil had said about scandals…the thought made him sick, but the world hadn’t changed _that_ much since the war. Even telling his friends was too big a risk.

“Well don’t be too tired,” Basil punched his arm lightly. “Operation ‘Find Hamilton a Woman’ commences!”

Why it was so much more important for him to find a girlfriend than them, Toby would never know. Maybe because the other three had had their share of girlfriends and affairs over the years, while Toby had stayed steadfastly single and affair free.

They walked towards the bar…logically, Toby knew he fit in with ease, this had always been his life, but he had never felt more out of place. Stepping into the building, the man was relieved to see it looked nothing like the Halcyon, though the upper class crowd and fancy set up made it feel…familiar in a way. None of his school friends really knew that much about that part of his life, and now was certainly not the time to bring up anything of the sort.

Through the throngs of dancing couples, the group looked around. “Definitely a posh night out,” Aidan sounded downright giddy. “A few drinks will put me out of money for the next few weeks.”

“Your father pays your way,” Basil nudged his friend with a roll of his eyes. “Don’t pretend you’re some poor little thing.”

“Well he won’t be happy to know this is where my money _went_ to,” Aidan clarified.

Toby gave a slight chuckle at that. He had stopped asking his mother for money years ago. At this point, he was able to pay his own way, working for the university between classes, though somewhat supplemented by what his father had left him, and he found he quite liked it that way. “Nonetheless, we should get drinks,” he said, making his way to the bar. Maybe Toby could have a fun enough time tonight. It wasn’t like he had plenty of practice turning down women for one thing or another.

As the group made their way to the bar, Toby scanned the room a bit. In some ways, it almost made him miss the days at the Halcyon. Well, more specifically, the days when he and Adil were together. Walking into the bar to find his lover working, furtive glances and smiles and winks. It had become a habit…no matter where he was or what the pub was like, his eyes always drifted over to the bar, the bartender. Almost as if he would see the white Halcyon uniform against Adil’s dark skin.

So as Toby’s eyes drifted over to the bartender, he stopped dead in his tracks. There, behind the bar, was Adil.


	2. BARRIERS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s that easy, then, Toby?” Adil spat.
> 
> “No, Adil,” Toby remained firm. “But that’s what makes it worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2...yay! There are some parts I'm not crazy about, but I think it still came together nicely. Hopefully it continues to be good!
> 
> The Halcyon and the boys do not belong to me. I get nothing from this...I just like playing with them.

Toby knew it was far too late to duck out now. Not with Aidan and Julius right behind him, pushing him towards the bar. With some deep breaths, the man looked frantically around…there was another bartender on the other side, but he was being pushed in the direction of where Adil was. Before his entire world imploded, Toby took a moment to look at his former lover. He may not be wearing the white jacket of the Halcyon, but everything else was the same. The way his hair was slicked back…his long fingers working so gracefully…

Toby’s breath caught. He couldn’t help it.

Adil looked the same as he did five years ago. A bit older and wearier, but still the same face Toby had fallen for. The same face that haunted him. He had that “bartender” smile on…a very different smile than the one that had once been reserved for Toby.

Toby missed that smile something awful.

As his friends walked over to Adil’s side of the bar, Toby dragged his feet. He sort of just wanted to make a run for it. Not face this particular ghost.

“Toby?”

Basil, Aidan and Julius were staring at him.

Adil was, too, eyes wide.

“Huh?” Toby finally managed.

“What do you want to drink?” Basil raised his eyebrow.

Toby tried not to, but he blurted it out anyway. “Confidence in a glass.”

Adil’s gaze intensified before he looked down, starting to grab bottles.

“Never heard of that one,” Julius chuckled, sipping his whisky.

Toby didn’t respond, eyes still trained on Adil. His friends were completely unaware, but Adil kept taking hesitant looks at Toby.

“We’re going to grab a table,” Basil said. The three of them were all drinking whisky. “Okay?”

“Right. I’ll find you.”

Adil was mixing Toby’s drink. Toby had to resist all urges to grab his former lover over the bar and kiss him until the end of time. “Adil-”

“You look well, Mr. Hamilton,” the barman finally spoke, now that it was just the two of them.

Toby’s heart broke all over again at the formality of Adil’s tone. “Oh God, Adil…please don’t…”

“This isn't the Halcyon. And we’re not…” Adil trailed off, sliding the glass across the counter with his fingertips. Toby wanted to cry…he knew the action was to avoid contact.

His friends would be wondering what was taking him so long. But Toby couldn’t move. It was as if his legs had stopped working. He could feel tears pricking in the corners of his eyes. “You disappeared to _Oxford_?” he choked.

Adil looked down. “Leeds, first. To spend some time with my family. Then another job brought me to Bristol. Then I hear about this place opening…”

“You _really_ didn’t want to be found.”

“You already know the answer, Mr. Hamilton.”

“I tried to find you-”

“You promised!”

“I never did!”

“Go join your friends. They’ll already have questions.”

Of course Adil was right. Toby tried to catch his gaze. “Can’t we-”

“No, Mr. Hamilton,” Adil sounded like he was trying to be firm, but Toby could hear his voice trembling. “We can’t.”

With much effort, Toby picked up his drink with a shaking hand. “None of it ever went away,” Toby whispered. “My feelings for you…all of it. You haven’t stopped haunting me for five years.”

He turned, unable to bear it any longer, and went to join his friends, completely unsure how he was going to explain this one away.

Toby sat awkwardly on the plush seat, his friends eyeing him up. “What was _that_ about?” Julius finally asked.

With a deep breath, Toby plastered a smile onto his face. “Oh…he used to be the bartender at my family’s hotel. We were just…catching up a bit.”

“Neither of you looked too happy,” Aidan furrowed his eyebrows, always the observant one.

“Just a ghost from the past,” Toby shrugged. “It was unexpected.”

Toby was pretty sure he wasn’t being too convincing. And he was pretty sure it was obvious that there was a lot more going on there than he could discreetly get away with. But his friends didn’t say anything more, the conversation turning to how nice this bar was and maybe they should start visiting it more frequently.

A group of clearly society women around their age were at the next table over, obviously eyeing up the group of young men next to them. “Well, Hamilton,” Basil cut in. “Go buy one of them a drink.”

Toby just waved his hand. “Perhaps a few more drinks in,” he joked, looking back to Adil. The man was making another drink at the bar, but Toby was having a hard time tearing his gaze away. “I intend to get entirely pissed and get us kicked out of this very nice establishment.”

The sad part was his words were only just half true.

***

When Toby returned to the bar alone the next night, he was half expecting Adil to not even be there. Just…picked up and left now that Toby had found him.

But there he was behind the bar. It was early, and the place was mostly empty. Toby sat at the bar, right in front of Adil.

“Have you given your notice yet?” Toby didn’t mean to sound so harsh, but emotions were high. Adil- the actual Adil, not a ghost- in front of him was a lot to handle.

Adil’s face was stone. “When I can get out of my room for rent.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Adil. You can’t just pick up and leave.”

“I worked hard to disappear, Mr. Hamilton. It all still stands.”

“Including the part about loving me?”

Finally, Toby saw Adil’s vulnerable side show. Everything he had been hiding behind a controlled mask. “Mr. Hamilton… _please_ …” Adil was practically begging. He looked sad and weary, and it made Toby’s heart ache. He knew the answer…Adil had never gotten over _him_ either.

“Have dinner with me before you vanish again,” the words slipped out before Toby could stop them.

“I can’t.”

It seemed like a lifetime ago since Toby had heard those words in that tone…his own words prompting it… _tell me you didn’t betray me…say it wasn’t you…_

“Please, Adil… _please_ …”

Toby could see Adil’s inner battle. Emotions flickered across his face…sadness, hesitancy, fear, longing…Toby wanted to reach out and touch. Feel the other man’s skin beneath his fingers again. The way his lips were always slightly chapped. His hair, so silky and fine.

Instead he just anxiously played with the signet ring on his pinky finger. A nervous habit Toby had never beat.

“Toby… _stop_ ,” Adil looked close to tears. But a barrier had come down. Even if it was just a slip, Adil had called him _Toby_.

“I know you had to disappear…but maybe this is a _sign_.”

Adil stared at Toby. Of course, beneath all the academics and need for logic, Toby was a still a romantic.

He supposed some things would never change.

Thank God the bar was still mostly empty. Toby and Adil’s eyes were locked…both were seeing everything from the past five years reflected back at each other. Toby was sure Adil was seeing right to his soul.

He had bared his soul to Adil so many times in the past…even now, after all this time, it didn’t feel invasive. Toby was slightly surprised by this, as he would think it _would_ be uncomfortable. It had just been so long. And no one else had earned that right since. Adil was the only one who ever had…and Toby was sure he was the only one who ever would.

And as their gazes remained locked, Toby was seeing into Adil’s soul as well. He saw the pain, the loss, the longing…and the love. It killed Toby to see that. He almost wished Adil had found someone great. Someone he loved and was _safe_. But it was quite clear he never found that man.

Just as it would always be Adil for Toby, it would always be Toby for Adil.

“Tuesday is my day off,” Adil finally whispered. “Stand you dinner.”

Something bubbled up in Toby’s chest…something he hadn’t felt in a long time. “Adil-”

“It’s _just_ dinner.”

Toby gave a hesitant smile. “Right. Just dinner.”

People were starting to make their way in. “Galleria. It’s just a few doors down. Six?”

“Yes,” Toby’s heart was hammering, and he felt slightly breathless. “I’ll see you then.”

As Toby left the bar, he took a deep breath. This was probably a terrible idea…he was sure it could only be a disaster…but in most ways, he didn’t care. All he could think about was Adil’s dark eyes, and he would give _anything_ to get to stare in to them again.

Just dinner.

But “just” dinner was still something…though not enough to convince Toby he and Adil might get their “happily ever after” after all.

***

Toby lived in a small, but nice flat in town. He lived alone, as was most comfortable for him, especially between things like working on his research, the fact that he brought home other men, and his general upbringing. It was just better that way.

After he got in, Toby went straight to the bathroom to take a bath. As the tub filled, the man just stared at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t sure he knew the man staring back.

Could he have hope? Toby wondered as he got into the bath. He had seen that Adil missed him, too. That he still loved Toby, too.

Maybe it _was_ a sign. After all, with all the moving Adil had done…ending up right here, where Toby was…Toby could never deny he was a dreamer under the guise of a dedicated academic. Especially when it came to Adil. Toby had spent the better part of five years dreaming about the other man.

Now he was here. Real, and right within reach.

The hot water helped some of the tension Toby was feeling. But his mind was still racing. Adil had made it clear it was “just dinner”. It didn’t all connect, though. Not with what Toby had seen in his former lover’s eyes.

He tried desperately to quash his hope. Hope was a dangerous thing, Toby knew that much. But he couldn’t help with this.

It was just dinner.

And Adil would be gone soon anyway.

Toby tried to blink back the tears, but the floodgate opened. He pulled his knees to his chest, sobbing in a way he had suppressed for five years.

He knew this couldn’t end well…so he just sobbed until he felt hollowed out and his bath water had gone cold.

***

Toby knew he could be an idiot at the best of times. For someone so smart, if he did say so himself, some of his actions reflected nothing but sheer idiocy. And after everything that had happened the day before, coaxing a dinner date out of Adil, the tears, all of it, Toby knew he should have just stuck to safe activities. Reading, writing letters, working on his research…things that were productive and presented no risk.

Instead, he found himself making his way to the secret bar on the other side of town, as if it was some solution to get Adil out of his head. Out of his heart. Toby would do something dumb…he’d get smashed and pick up some random guy, rely on a few minutes of carnal pleasure to make him feel something other than everything he was feeling at the moment.

He’d give anything to not be feeling like this.

The tears had helped a bit. Toby hadn’t just let himself cry in some time. Especially not like he had the night before. But everything was just far too painful and overwhelming. Seeing Adil after all this time brought up a lot. Too much. It was sensory overload. Toby needed a release.

In the dark of the pub, Toby nursed a whisky, his eyes darting around the room in an attempt to find someone. There were a couple of men Toby thought about approaching, but every time he really thought about it, his heart started hurting again and he looked away. In a way, he was feeling a bit resentful for Adil…he’d even ruined _this_ for Toby.

The men were good looking enough, Toby thought. And it felt like he had done this a million times without the feelings bubbling up now. Of course, every other time he had done this, he hadn’t _just_ seen Adil. And every other time, he was able to push past the resistance he felt anyway. This was no way to live…and Toby knew that. It was just…

He couldn’t form an emotional relationship with anyone. Even _before_ Adil had showed up in his life. Toby had tried, oh God, had he ever. But there was nothing there. The only person he had ever loved was Adil. The only person he would _ever_ love was Adil.

It was hardly fair…but had it ever been?

As Toby was lost in his thoughts, a man slid onto the seat beside Toby. Toby was pulled from his own little world quickly, right before the man spoke. “Can I buy you a drink?” the man asked with a sly smirk.

Toby looked the man up and down. He supposed the man was handsome enough. Tall, with slicked back blonde hair and blue eyes. He was eyeing Toby with unashamed interest, eyes raking up and down Toby’s form.

This wasn’t an uncommon thing around here. Most men were ridiculously _not_ subtle about what they wanted. And it wasn’t like men picked up here to start a relationship. They’d go, have some fun wherever they could, and it was over. But at the moment…Toby was feeling sort of… _violated_. With the way the man was staring at him. He knew the look…the man was undressing him with his eyes.

Toby looked down at the ground, wanting the man to just go away. But he could tell he was still there. He took a quick glance, realizing he didn’t even find the man _that_ attractive.

It was…well, although he had never really realized it before now, Toby was starting to feel he had a “type” all this while. Not that many Indian men frequented the place, but Toby still tended to gravitate to men with darker features. As if it would somehow do something for him, a temporary fix for a wound that never healed.

Toby suddenly wanted nothing to do with this. He wanted to get the hell out of the bar.

“I was just leaving,” Toby blurted, downing the rest of his drink and putting the glass down a little too hard on the table. “Er…thanks.”

He slid out the other side and made a beeline for the door. What in God’s name had made Toby think he could do this? Maybe, once upon a time, but now that he had seen Adil, had spoken with him, made _dinner_ plans, there was no possible way to fix that particular pain.

Once he was back in his flat, Toby poured himself another whisky and drew a bath. He sighed softly as he laid back in the water, mind wandering to all the baths he and Adil had shared in the Halcyon. Shutting his eyes, Toby’s mind drifted, and he could almost feel his former lover’s body between his legs, back pressed against Toby’s chest, Toby’s arms around him. There was nothing like it, getting to bury his face in Adil’s shoulder…breathing in that scent that was so uniquely _him_. The sensitive spot below his right ear that Toby would tease with the tip of his nose. A secret paradise, just for the two of them.

This time, when the tears started threatening to fall, Toby tried to hold them back. He couldn’t keep doing this. He was going to drive himself completely insane.

The tears fell anyway, and Toby finally gave up any notion that he had complete control over the situation.

***

If Toby had thought that Monday had passed painfully slow, he couldn’t even begin to anticipate how slow Tuesday was going to be. Through class, the clock’s ticking was _so_ loud, reverberating through Toby as the seconds passed. He almost wished he could count them instead of _trying_ to pay attention, knowing he would be sitting privately with Adil that night.

Monday night, Toby had stopped by the restaurant to see what he should wear. And although it looked quite casual, he was still tempted to wear Adil’s favorite suit. But logic won out and he had finally settled on some nice trousers, button down and overcoat.

It had taken way more time than it should have to figure out what to wear. Even if it was “just” dinner (a phrase Toby had tried to figure out the proper inflection on every chance he got), the man wanted to look good for Adil. It was a gut reaction, after all their time together, though Toby knew Adil’s favorite look involved no clothing at all. And obviously he couldn’t show up to dinner like _that_.

So Tuesday night, Toby found himself fretting over his outfit. He had already changed his mind multiple times, not happy with any of it. It was imperative he looked perfect for Adil. Even if it was _just_ dinner (Toby still wasn’t sure of the proper inflection on that one).

In the end, Toby rushed into something so he wouldn’t be late. He supposed he looked okay…it was one of those situations where Toby knew he would never be completely satisfied, and he’d just have to make do.

No hope…Toby had to hold back, not let himself hope for anything beyond “just” dinner. He could still remember how steadfast Adil was about vanishing…as much as Toby had sobbed and pleaded. He had no reason to believe this time would be different. It seemed unfair…maybe Toby should just cancel this dinner.

Having to say goodbye to Adil a second time would _probably_ kill him.

But Toby would take it if it meant a few hours with Adil.

Toby had to time things properly. As eager as he was, showing up too early would just mean nervous waiting. Overthinking. It was already bad enough setting out on time.

Adil wasn’t at Galleria when Toby arrived. He stood off to the side to wait, playing with his signet ring. Adil wouldn’t stand him up, Toby was sure of it. It didn’t stop him from glancing at his watch every few seconds.

At six-o-two, Toby saw Adil approach. He was dressed similarly to Toby and Toby gasped in sharply. Adil looked gorgeous.

Oh God, this was a terrible idea. How the hell was he supposed to do this?

“Adil,” Toby said softly, breathlessly.

“Toby,” Adil replied in the same tone.

The two just stared at each other for a moment. “Well…er…shall we?” Toby stuttered. Adil nodded. Toby opened the door, ushering Adil in. He walked in behind him, trying not to think about how _nice_ Adil’s arse looked in the trousers he was wearing.

He couldn’t think like that. It would push him over the brink of sanity.

They were seated at a table in a back corner. The lights were dim, and candles on the tables. Toby thought it could be a perfect date under other circumstances…but Adil _had_ asked him _here_.

What was going on in Adil’s head?

Toby thought he could do this, but he was feeling increasingly terrified. Why were they doing this? Was Adil just as terrified? His face betrayed nothing, but there was something in his eyes…a fierceness, a fire. He was feeling just as scared, just as terrified as Toby, but he seemed to think he had the upper hand.

Did he?

The two just stared in silence at each other, Adil looking more and more scared. Toby knew _he_ was feeling it, too, twisting his ring around his finger.

“Thank you for coming to dinner with me,” Toby said softly.

“It’s just dinner,” Adil tried to sound impassive, but Toby could hear a myriad of emotions beneath the surface.

“Nonetheless…”

Toby and Adil picked up their menus, although they were both sending each other furtive glances over the top of them. Suddenly, Toby was feeling old hurts. He wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it, now that Adil was right there in front of him.

Because _everything_ was coming to the surface now. Even nameless feelings that Toby hadn’t let himself feel for years.

Toby ordered them a bottle of wine along with their food. There was more silence…a terse one, not the comfortable one they used to enjoy after sex, or just holding each other, or anything like that.

“I’m not sure how you talked me into this,” Adil admitted sadly.

“Well I’m glad I did,” Toby said earnestly. There was a tiny spark in his chest. He tried to ignore it…but here they were.

The two just stared at each other again. Their wine arrived and was poured. Toby raised his glass. “To hope,” he said boldly.

Adil clinked his glass to Toby’s, but said nothing. Despite his toast, Toby knew there was no hope.

But he still couldn’t extinguish the flame that had erupted in his soul.

By the second glass of wine, both men’s tongues had been loosened. Enough, at least, to bring out discussion. Toby talked about finishing in the War Office and how all the maths inspired him to go back to school for Maths and do research. He _had_ considered History, stating, “Someday they’re going to write about this war…I want to be in the forefront…but I’ve never been very good with essays and such” he shrugged. “Maybe in another lifetime.”

Adil talked about the fancy pubs he had worked at in Leeds and Bristol. “The discrimination and racism got to be too much,” he said in a sad voice.

“This _fucking_ world,” Toby sighed, finishing his second glass of wine as the food arrived. “It’s not always going to be like this.”

Adil chuckled and gave the warmest smile Toby had seen all night. “Ever the revolutionary.”

There was so much Toby wanted to reply with. Old dreams he had carried when he and Adil were together. A world where they could be themselves in public. They’d go to the park, to museums, to dinner…hand in hand. No one would care that Adil was Indian, or that they were two men. There would be no breaking the law, or general disgust, or blackmail threats of scandal. Just two people in love.

Toby looked over his food at Adil. Neither of them were doing much but picking at it.

“Adil?” Toby finally asked softly.

The look on Adil’s face clearly showed he was expecting the worst. “Yes?”

“It’s been five years. Please stay. Please stay with me.”

Adil took a shaky breath in. “Toby-”

“Either that or stop haunting me,” Toby blurted out, pain in his voice.

Looking into Adil’s dark eyes, Toby got the feeling he had been haunting Adil all this time, too.

“Why haven’t you found someone else?” Adil practically demanded. “Someone _better_ for you? That’s what you were _supposed_ to do, Toby.”

“And you weren’t?”

“It’s not the same.”

“It is!” Toby felt himself shaking. “You think I didn’t try? Every man I picked up, every casual encounter I tried to feel something _more_ about… _nothing_. I could never let go of you, and I never will! You can’t leave me again…you _can’t_!”

Adil put his napkin on the table and pulled out his wallet. “I have to-”

“ _No_. You are _not_ running from me again!”

“It’s that easy, then, Toby?” Adil spat.

“No, Adil,” Toby remained firm. “But that’s what makes it worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you for all the kudos and comments! I really love them, and it makes me want to be the best I can be! You guys rock. <3


	3. SNOW

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love the snow,” Toby said softly to Adil.
> 
> It struck Toby that he had never gotten to say that to Adil. He had vanished before the first snowstorm since they had been together…he had said it to Adil’s ghost many times, but this was the first time he got to say it to the actual man.
> 
> Adil gazed up lovingly. “I love the snow, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is my birthday! :D  
> My gift to all of you...Chapter 3!
> 
> The Halcyon and the boys don't belong to me. I just give them happy endings. ;)

Looking back on it, Toby wasn’t entirely sure what to make of his and Adil’s dinner. After the small outburst, they had finished in heavy silence. They split the bill and walked out together, giving each other quick glances…and hoping the other didn’t notice. But there was absolutely no doubt they did.

Another barrier had come down. Toby and Adil both knew it.

It occurred to Toby that Adil didn’t know how to find him, but he knew how to find Adil. The ball was in his court now. And as they seemed to be knocking down barriers, slowly but surely, there was no way in hell Toby was going to drop the ball. There was a new sense of hope instilled in him…that maybe he and Adil could be together again.

Toby had found himself wondering about some of Adil’s words. Finding someone else? Finding someone better? He supposed some of it made sense. Adil was Toby’s first love…first everything. And how many people _really_ spent forever with their first love? And someone _better_? What did that even mean? Someone closer to Toby’s status? Some rich, white man…or was Toby supposed to hide who he was and find a wife?

Toby was beginning to feel like his and Adil’s dinner left him with more questions than answers.

Thursday night, Toby went over to the bar early. Adil was coming out from the back, bottles in hand. He stopped when he saw Toby, a myriad of emotions flashing across his features before he put on an impassive mask.

“You can’t keep coming here like this, Mr. Hamilton,” he said curtly.

“Then maybe you should go out with me more,” Toby tested the waters.

“I told you already…it was just dinner.”

“Just dinner. _Just_ dinner. ‘Just’ dinner. Dammit, Adil, every time one of us says it, there’s a different inflection!” Toby finally spilled out his frustrations. “Aren’t you tired of this? I know you want the same thing I do.”

Adil put the bottles down, unable to look Toby in the eyes. But Toby could see the tears, just as he could feel them in his own eyes. After a minute, he looked up. “You have no idea how hard I worked to forget you,” he said, barely above a whisper.

“Of course I do,” Toby’s voice lowered. “But look at us. After all this time…all the running…casual encounters…ghosts… _everything_ …something brought us back together.”

Some of Adil’s coworkers were starting to trickle in. Toby knew this wasn’t a safe place to have this conversation. Nowhere in public was.

That was why he had come prepared with his address written on a piece of paper.

Toby slipped it out of his pocket and handed it to Adil. “Please come see me after your shift.”

Adil glanced at it before putting it in his trousers pocket. He looked at Toby, eyes still teary before giving a barely perceptible nod. “It’ll be late.”

“I don’t care,” Toby asserted.

“Adil?” one of Adil’s coworkers called.

“I’ll see you later on,” Toby gave a hesitant smile, which Adil returned after a moment.

Toby took in a deep breath as he walked out. It was starting to snow again, and it was making Toby feel slightly giddy. He was feeling some hope again…he didn’t _want_ to, of course. Hope was a dangerous thing. But he couldn’t help it. Five years was a long time, but Adil was still Adil. Dinner had proved that to Toby. Adil was still the man he loved…had never _stopped_ loving. And _God_ , he would do anything to hold him again…kiss him…make love to him…

This time, Toby wouldn’t let Adil go. He’d fight until he had the other man back…or die trying.

***

At quarter to one in the morning, there was a soft knock on the door.

 _God, even his knock sounds the same._ Toby thought as he hopped up from his seat eagerly.

Toby had gotten absolutely nothing done over the past few hours. He had spent a good amount pacing in the sitting room. Then he sat and tried to read. He failed spectacularly at that, so had gone back to pacing. Around midnight, he sunk heavily into a chair and had been watching the embers spark in the fireplace ever since.

“Adil,” he breathed as he opened the door. The other man was still in uniform, his black hair speckled white from snowflakes. “You came.”

“I said I would.”

“I was scared that…” Toby trailed off. He was scared of so much. He wasn’t sure how to articulate it to encompass everything. “I was scared,” he whispered, and then, as an afterthought, “…and I still am.”

Adil’s mouth opened and closed a few times, as if not sure how to respond. Toby ushered him inside, taking his coat and hanging it up. “Apparently I still can’t say no when you ask me to come,” he finally said dryly, though not cruelly.

Toby watched as the snowflakes in Adil’s hair melted. “I’ll get us a drink,” he showed Adil into the sitting room, pouring them whiskeys. “It’s a bit warmer by the fire,” he handed the other man a glass.

Adil’s lip lifted in a wry smile. “I haven’t been warm in some time.”

“Around five years?” Toby sat across from him.

“Something like that.”

They slowly sipped their drinks. For all the time Toby had dreamt about being alone with Adil again, he had no clue what to say now that he was. And he couldn’t help his gaze constantly drifting to Adil’s lips. He desperately wanted to feel those lips against his own again. Warm, slightly chapped, tasting like spices and salt…

Dear God, Toby was going to drive himself insane with these thoughts.

But he couldn’t help it. The lights of the sitting room reflected off Adil’s hair, making it glow gold, sparkling with melted snowflakes…the fire danced in his dark eyes as they caught with Toby’s. “Toby-”

“I can’t do this,” Toby finally sighed, running a hand through his hair and standing.

“You were the one who-”

“Not that,” he moved to stand in front of Adil, kneeling down. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

Toby was expecting a fight from Adil. Something, anything. But it didn’t come. The man lightly cradled the other’s face in his hands before leaning in, pressing his lips to Adil’s feather softly.

It was like coming home. Adil’s lips were exactly as Toby remembered them, his taste the same, tinged with the whisky he had been drinking. He could still feel the spark he had always felt when he kissed the barman, the warmth in his body, all of it. One of them, perhaps both of them, were crying, but Adil was kissing Toby back, and it was like they hadn’t been apart the past five years.

They pulled away, far enough to look into each other’s eyes. “Stay,” Toby said softly. It wasn’t quite a question, and not quite a demand. He supposed it came out nearly as a plea.

“Yes,” Adil breathed.

They leaned forward at the same time, lips meeting again. Toby stood. “Come. It’s late.”

Adil smiled as Toby pulled him from his seat, their glasses sitting on the small table. Toby made sure the fire was out and the door locked before he pulled Adil back to the bedroom. They were still shooting each other shy looks, like young lovers did. Everything was old…everything was new. Toby pulled out a spare pair of pyjamas and handed them to Adil. “The bathroom is right through there…you can get changed in there.”

“Thank you,” Adil couldn’t help but lean up and kiss Toby again. Both men knew they weren’t ready to do anything beyond kissing and holding each other. Their eyes conveyed the gratefulness they were both feeling.

When Adil came out, dressed in Toby’s pyjamas, Toby couldn’t help a little laugh. He had a few inches on the other man and the already loose pyjamas made it even more evident. “I like my pyjamas on you,” he teased, approaching the other man slowly.

“Don’t tease,” even with his words, there was amusement in Adil’s eyes.

“Never,” Toby laughed, leaning in to kiss Adil.

It was a funny thing…Toby had truly thought he knew how much he had missed Adil. That all the years had proved that to him. But now he was seeing that he had _no_ idea how bad it had really been until now, now that Adil was back in his arms. The emptiness and largely mechanical actions of the past five years had never been so glaringly obvious. And at the same time, Toby was terrified of what could come next. He had lost Adil once and had struggled to make it through…what the _hell_ would happen to his life if he lost Adil again?

“Penny for your thoughts, Mr. Hamilton?”

Toby looked over, unable to keep the worry off his face. “Promise me I’m not going to lose you again,” he whispered. “Promise me you’re not going to vanish again. I wouldn’t be able to handle it, Adil.”

Adil gently cradled Toby’s face in his hands. “I promise.”

The two leaned in to kiss again, all the emotions from the past five years coming up, making it one of the most passionate, intense kisses Toby and Adil had ever shared. They fell onto the bed, holding each other close and kissing with everything they had.

Toby knew, logically, that a few kisses and half conversations weren’t going to get things back to normal, but they were on their way…which had to count for something. And as he lay in bed with Adil curled up beside him, Toby felt more alive than he had in a long time. “Are you comfy?” he whispered to Adil.

“Like I haven’t been in a long time,” Adil whispered back before yawning. “And so warm…”

_So warm…_ Toby couldn’t have put it better himself. Drifting off to sleep with his arms around Adil, the other man cuddled in close, Toby’s final thoughts before sleep were a prayer this wasn’t a dream.

***

Toby woke up warmer and more whole than he had felt in an extremely long time. He felt a familiar body curled up around his, and he was pretty sure his heart was about to burst with all the feelings.

“Morning,” Adil said softly. “I think we’re snowed in.”

Before he looked out the window, Toby stole a glance at the man beside him. _If this is a dream, I don’t ever want to wake up._ He turned to look out the window, where a good amount of snow had fallen overnight.

“I believe we are,” Toby said with a chuckle.

The two locked eyes…it was clear that neither of them would rather be anywhere else. Toby was silently grateful for a day snowed in with Adil. He saw that reflected in Adil’s eyes. They needed the time, and it had been so miraculously given to them.

“I love the snow,” Toby said softly to Adil.

It struck Toby that he had never gotten to say that to Adil. He had vanished before the first snowstorm since they had been together…he had said it to Adil’s ghost many times, but this was the first time he got to say it to the actual man.

Adil gazed up lovingly. “I love the snow, too.”

They leaned in for a slow kiss. It was passionate and filled with emotion and absolutely perfect. Toby was still half convinced he was in some beautiful dream…these moments had haunted his dreams for years, after all. But Adil was there with him, warm at his side. It wasn’t a dream, it wasn’t going to turn into Toby waking up gasping and crying.

Toby and Adil were getting their second chance.

“We get to spend the whole day together,” Toby gave Adil a huge grin. “We’ve never gotten to do that.”

It excited Toby. The two of them stuck inside, getting to lounge in pyjamas and drink tea and talk. No jobs to worry about, no worrying about maids or sneaking around…just Toby and Adil, together in a whole new way.

Adil propped himself up on his elbow, studying Toby intensely. “Thank you,” he finally said softly.

“For what?”

“For knocking some sense into me,” he gave a slight smile. “I would have kept running. It would have been torture, but…I was so convinced it was all for the best. That…I was doing the right thing. And I don’t think I fully realized how _wrong_ it was until I saw you again.”

Toby ghosted his lips across Adil’s. “The past five years have been a private hell.”

“I know,” Adil sighed. “For me, too.”

“When you left…” Toby trailed off. He knew they had to start at the beginning, no matter how painful it was going to be. “I fell into such a deep depression. Mother and Freddie…they were so _baffled_ by my sudden change of mood…and obviously I couldn’t tell them what was going on. I had no one. It was truly hell.”

“My family…” Adil shut his eyes for a moment. “I think they were mostly confused. Why I left London. I just…threw myself into work. Tried to just…exhaust myself to avoid the nightmares. But the nightmares came anyway.”

“I had the nightmares, too. And…you haunted me. I couldn’t…”

Adil kissed Toby lightly again. “I’m here now.”

Toby could feel tears pricking at his eyes. “I love you, Adil.”

“Don’t cry,” Adil chuckled warmly, wiping away a tear that escaped Toby’s eye. “You’re too pretty for tears,” there was a mischievous look on his face and a playful twinkle in his eyes.

Toby let out a choked laugh. “Oh, shut up.”

“I love you too, Toby.”

“Come on,” Toby shuffled, rising from the bed and stretching. He put on his old robe. “I’ll make some tea and food…we can sit by the fire and…and we can talk.”

Because both men knew they had a lot of talking to do. It was going to take time to reach their _normal_ again, and talking was a start to that…and of course, it was a matter of giving it all some time.

Adil got out of the bed, leaning up to kiss Toby. “That sounds lovely,” he gave a warm smile.

Toby took Adil’s hand, pulling him out of the bedroom. He got the fire started in the sitting room before heading into the kitchen, Adil trailing behind him. Neither man wanted to be separated from the other.

As he put the kettle up and starting make some eggs and toast, Toby hummed softly. “Look at you,” Adil laughed teasingly. “Toby Hamilton, making his own tea and food. So self reliant!”

Toby rolled his eyes, but laughed. “It had to happen eventually.”

“No it didn’t,” Adil gave a soft smile. “It was completely up to you. God knows you have the money and resources to have someone do it all for you.”

“It was you,” Toby said quietly. “You inspired me to learn to do things on my own. Even though you weren’t there…I wanted to be able to do things on my own…to prove I could, I guess,” he set down a plate of eggs and toast on either side of the small kitchen table. “But it’s nothing special,” he chuckled, setting down a mug of tea, and then a fork on each side as well.

Adil laughed. “I think it’s brilliant.”

“I suppose I’ve changed in some ways…”

“Toby…we both have. It’s just…more to explore. Learn the new things…relearn the old…”

Toby took Adil’s hand across the table. “Wise words, Adil Joshi.”

“That _does_ happen from time to time,” Adil chuckled, squeezing Toby’s hand gently.

Toby snorted. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Adil,” he started eating, thinking about everything he had done for Adil over the past five years, even if Adil hadn’t been there. The other man was an inspiration…even in his absence.

“Habit,” Adil said contritely, looking down with a slight blush. “The eggs are wonderful,” he smiled. “I’m proud of you,” he said teasingly, but with a sincere undertone at the same time.

“They’re just eggs,” Toby blushed slightly.

“Just eggs? _Just_ eggs? ‘Just’ eggs?”

“Oh…so we can joke about that now?” Toby snorted.

Adil smiled slyly. “Too soon?”

Toby just smiled and sent up a silent prayer, thanking God some of these wonderful things he loved about Adil hadn’t changed. That…sharp wit…a hidden cleverness…that sly smile…and a knack for driving Toby completely insane without even realizing it.

He thought about the day he realized he loved Adil…the morning Toby had heard about the bomb near Paddington. That sly smile on Adil’s lips, the twinkle in his eyes. _You were that worried about me, huh?_ The morning Toby and Adil had made love for the first time…the morning Toby knew he would never be happy without Adil…the morning Toby knew his heart would belong to Adil forever.

“What are you thinking about?” Adil’s curious voice brought Toby back to the present. He realized he had frozen with a forkful of eggs halfway to his mouth.

Toby finished the bite and smiled. “Just thinking about when I first knew I loved you.”

Adil tilted his head slightly. “And when was that?”

“The morning of the bomb near Paddington. I was terrified I’d lost you. That was when I knew,” he frowned, pushing the rest of his eggs around on his plate. “I should have told you then,” he said softly. “Maybe if I had…”

“There’s no use dwelling on the past, Toby. We can talk about it…we _should_ talk about it…but ‘maybe’s’ and ‘what if’s’ will get us nowhere. Look at us. We’re here now.”

Toby chuckled. “I thought your ‘wise words’ were just _from time to time_ ,” he teased.

“Everyone gets lucky sometimes, I suppose.”

Toby was slightly surprised he and Adil could fall back into conversation and routine so naturally. Of course they had their moments…it _had_ been five years, after all, but there were also _so_ many moments that felt like no time had passed at all. It made Toby a little nervous about their impending talk about everything. What if that made everything worse rather than better? What if they realized that they actually _couldn’t_ do this? With a deep breath, Toby smiled at Adil. He couldn’t think like that. They had already proved that they could do this, as far as Toby was concerned. Their talk was going to get everything out in the open. Yes, it was going to hurt. It was going to hurt a lot. But they had each other back now, and could support each other through all the pain. That was what people in love did.

The two finished eating, both minds working around what was coming up. “Are you okay?” Toby asked softly.

Adil nodded with a slight smile. “I’m wonderful.”

“It’s going to hurt, isn’t it?” Toby knew that Adil would know he was referring to the talk they were getting ready to have.

“It is. But it’s the only way to do it.”

Toby cleared the plates and put them in the sink. He figured he could clean them afterwards. Right now, he just wanted to sit with Adil and their tea in the sitting room and get through this talk. It was sort of a matter of…just getting it over with. Because at the moment, it was the biggest barrier left. Toby and Adil needed to get through that honesty, the pain, the past…

Adil stood, grabbing his tea as Toby grabbed his own. Adil took Toby’s hand, interlacing their fingers together. Toby gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as they went into the sitting room. He looked out the window…the snow was still falling. The two men were definitely stuck inside. The entire village was, though Toby was sure Adil would have to call out of work anyway.

Setting his tea on the small table between the chairs, Toby went to stoke the fire before sitting down across from Adil, taking his hand again. The two looked at each other timidly for a moment. There was going to pain, there was going to be tears, there was going to be emotion…and so much more. Toby knew if there was any other way, they would take it. But now was the time to be brave, in a way the two had never really been before.

They had gotten through so much. They could get through this, too.

Toby leaned forward to kiss Adil lightly. He didn’t ever want to _stop_ kissing Adil. None of the dreams and nightmares and haunting did _actually_ kissing Adil any justice. “I love you,” Toby said softly, looking into Adil’s dark eyes. _God_ he’d missed those eyes.

“I love you too, Toby,” Adil replied just as softly, his own eyes searching.

Hands held tightly, Toby took a deep breath, trying to relax himself for now as much as he could. Neither seemed to know how to start. Toby took another deep breath. “Adil…when you left…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you for all the kudos and comments! They make me feel like I'm doing something right. :P
> 
> I'm thinking I might want to start taking prompts, little one-shot stuff to work on between chapters (since chapters don't always want to write). If you want to challenge me, throw it at me!
> 
> You guys rock.


	4. CONVERSATION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t…” Adil looked down, feeling tears in his eyes. “I moved to Bristol. I didn’t know anyone in Bristol. I thought it would be a whole new start.”
> 
> “You couldn’t escape.”
> 
> “I couldn’t escape,” Adil acquiesced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly not particularly fond of this chapter, but it's a lot of talking that needed to happen. Hopefully I capture it all correctly!
> 
> The Halcyon and boys are not mine! I just want to give them their happy ending!

“Adil…when you left…” Toby took a deep breath. He had already told Adil about Freddie and his mother’s worry. This had to be about himself, now. “I felt so lost and empty. I saw you everywhere. I tried to…move forward. I buried myself in work…I started having casual encounters…anything and everything to get you out of my head. But none of it worked, and most of it just made things _worse_ …” Toby felt the tears pricking his eyes again. “I was living my life mechanically. But it really wasn’t living at all.”

“My parents were thrilled at first,” Adil said softly. “That I would be near them again. But when they saw me…I must have looked quite a fright, because their faces just…fell. They knew something had happened. And they knew they couldn’t ask what,” Adil shivered slightly. “I worked all the time. And had casual encounters, too. But I was always so _cold_. I did what I had to do…” he smiled sadly. “But it really wasn’t living at all,” he echoed Toby’s words.

Toby looked down. “I thought about enlisting.”

“Me, too…after everything I did…” Adil gave a humorless laugh. “But I knew I wouldn’t come back if I did.”

“The War Office was…well, by the end, I knew that all that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I loved the numbers…I would like to do more research than crunching numbers, though.”

“So you came back to school.”

“As soon as Armistice was declared. I thought it would help. Moving from the Halcyon, delving into my studies. But the nightmares still came. And you still haunted me,” Toby sighed. Adil’s thumb rubbed little circles against Toby’s hand. “I knew I loved you before. But that was when I _fully_ realized there would never be anyone else.”

“I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t…” Adil looked down, feeling tears in his eyes. “I moved to Bristol. I didn’t know anyone in Bristol. I thought it would be a whole new start.”

“You couldn’t escape.”

“I couldn’t escape,” Adil acquiesced.

“I know it, Adil. _God_ , I know it.”

Their eyes were locked, but both were so far away. Toby and Adil were processing each other’s stories…so different, and yet echoing one another at the same time. Even what little they had shared thus far was painful. They knew it had to get worse before it got better. All the cards were being laid on the table. But they were together again. All of the pain of the past five years…for the first time, Toby and Adil were sure they’d get their happy ending.

“Moving around…not getting attached or making _real_ connections with anyone…I found the secret bars and _tried_.”

Toby gave a sad smile. “Me, too. Even hiding it from the friends I made…” he thought about the excuses he made to Julius and Aidan and Basil when he needed to escape to the secret bar for some…physical need fulfilled.

It was a start, but both men knew they had to go further back. Give the beginning of it all more attention. The start of it all.

“I really thought it was best,” Adil whispered, watching Toby light a cigarette with trembling hands. “Leaving in the first place, I mean. I thought I was…holding you back from what you deserved and needed. Even after…that night,” they both knew _what_ night…the night of Adil’s suicide attempt. The night they had affirmed love and forgiveness.

“You thought I could find someone _better_.”

“Another man who could give you more than a cocktail waiter could. Or hiding who you are with a woman, like was expected of you. I couldn’t have stood to hang around and seen either.”

“But you _knew_ it was only you.”

“I saw all the women your mother paraded by you. You’re an aristocrat, Toby. They could give you more than I ever could.”

“They could give me nothing,” Toby asserted. “I tried, after you left. Trying to do what mother wanted me to do. Well to do women…it was endless. But none of them made me feel anything…no matter how hard I tried…” he blushed slightly. “I’d put up with evenings with them and then sneak out to a secret bar. Lots of inner conflict.”

Adil gave a wry smile. “Well at least no one tried to push and women on me. Not even my family, though I know they _wanted_ to.”

Their tea mugs were empty. “More tea?” Toby asked. “Or coffee?”

“More tea,” Adil smiled.

Toby got up, Adil following him into the kitchen. As had been the case this whole time, neither could bear to be separated, even for a couple minutes. Toby prepared two new mugs of tea, handing one to Adil as they went back into the sitting room. The two took their seats, reaching out to hold hands again. The feeling was electrifying, a familiar current pulsing between the two of them.

“Adil…I still loathe myself for everything I said. That I was disgusted by what we did…telling you to disappear…I still feel like…if I hadn’t said any of that…” it felt like Toby was going as far back as he could…and the memories still brought tears to his eyes. He thought that, perhaps, that was what had planted the seed of Adil’s leaving. _Disappear_ …words he hadn’t wanted to say and didn’t mean. Words he had prayed Adil would see through. “And I just wanted you to see through it all,” Toby admitted. “See that I was lying through my teeth.”

“You were very convincing,” Adil said sadly. “And even after we…I just mean…the words were still in my head. I know you reassured you didn’t mean them, explained why you did it all…I knew I still _did_ have to disappear.”

Toby felt the tears welling in his eyes. He held Adil’s hand tighter. “At first, I cried every night. I prayed that you would change your mind and come back to me. I tried to have hope. It took _months_ for me to lose all of it.”

“I did think about it,” Adil said, bringing their entwined hands to his mouth and kissing Toby’s knuckles. “Coming back. I cried, too. I knew I had made the wrong decision, even if it was the _safe_ one. But in the end, I couldn’t do it. I figured you would have…moved on. And seeing you with someone else would have been too much for me to bear.”

“As if it could have been anyone but you, Adil.”

“I couldn’t chance it. It would have torn me apart.”

Toby thought back to it…how those thoughts had haunted him as well. “I figured you would have moved on as well,” he said sadly. “Found someone more worth it than me. More _safe_ than me. And as much as I wanted you to come back…” he gave a slight smile. “Seeing you with someone else would have torn me apart,” he echoed Adil’s sentiments. “I was never able to get over you, Adil. Especially since I knew it was all my fault. _God_ …you were everywhere.”

Adil’s eyes shut for a moment. “I thought moving would help. That it would be easier to forget you if I just…started somewhere fresh. New environment, people, everything. But it didn’t work. I just worked all the time, trying to fight it…fight _you_ …but it never…”

“Adil-”

“I saw you everywhere. And then it just got worse…I would picture you getting married, or with another man. And it broke me even then. And I started to felt like _I_ had caused those scenarios…because I left. I knew I had no claim to you anymore. But the thought of you with other people just haunted me.”

Toby was vaguely aware that his and Adil’s conversation wasn’t following any real order…jumping around from the past, to the present, in between…nothing chronological. The academic in him balked at this. The romantic in him knew that was just how it had to go. Because that was how they would get to end result.

“I was an idiot,” Toby declared. “I was scared, and I was an idiot. Truly, though…would you have left if I hadn’t said those things?”

“I don’t know, Toby,” Adil admitted softly. “But here we are now. I guess that proves how terrible we are at being apart,” he added, a little more lightheartedly.

“Who are we to question Fate?” Toby chuckled. He looked into the fire for a moment. “I never thought I’d have this again. Have _you_ again. _God_ …no matter how many people were in my life…I felt so _lonely_. I was so hollow and empty without you.”

Adil looked to the fire as well, a thoughtful look on his face. Toby knew the look well. It was when Adil knew what he wanted to say, but didn’t know how to say it. “I’ll never let you be lonely again,” he finally said quietly.

Toby could feel the tears dripping down his face again. Adil got up so he was kneeling in front of Toby, wiping his tears away. “I love you, Adil,” it was barely above a whisper. “I know we have to get over old hurts to move forward…but I love you so much.”

“It’s all worth it,” Adil cradled Toby’s face gently. “I love you so much too, Toby,” he pulled him down to kiss him, a slow, emotional kiss filled with love and promises. It was exactly the type of kiss Toby had been missing all these years. The type of kiss he had only ever shared with Adil. “You can really forgive me for leaving?” Adil whispered, fear edging his words.

“I know you thought it was the right thing. Well…in retrospect. I can’t deny I was also a little angry at you then. But…more at myself. I blamed myself for all of it. I just thought…there were so many things I had done _wrong_ …and what if I had done them _right_.”

Adil shifted from his spot kneeling by Toby to sit back in his chair. He took his hand again. “Tell me about the past few years,” he said softly.

Toby chuckled softly. “It’s nothing interesting. After…after everything with Mr. D’Abberville and my name was cleared, I finished out the war in the War Office. It was difficult at first, with everything that happened, but I guess I was a good enough asset that everyone got over it…” he squeezed Adil’s hand when he saw a look of pain on the other man’s face. “After Armistice…I wasn’t sure what to do at first. After five years at the War Office, everything else seemed…dwarfed by it all. And I hated living in the Halcyon. It was empty and filled with ghosts. So I decided to come back to school.”

“In Maths.”

Toby nodded. “I considered a couple of things. Maths, History…but numbers have always been my strong suit. I don’t think I could bear all the writing involved in History. So I came back here.”

“You made friends.”

“Like minded people, I suppose. It wasn’t necessarily easy,” Toby chuckled. Both he and Adil knew that socializing wasn’t exactly something Toby excelled in. “But it’s nice to have people there…despite all the secrets…” the man trailed off, thinking about the secret bar. “I found a secret pub for…people like us. I’d go and pick someone up just to…I don’t know. Feel something.”

“And you like what you’re doing?”

“Oh, very much so!” Toby smiled. “I think I’d like to do research with it. I don’t think I’d be a very good professor.”

Adil laughed. “I have to agree with you on that one.”

Toby rolled his eyes. “Thanks for the support,” he teased. “I guess…I guess I’ve been mostly happy. In the ways I could be without you. Sometimes I…” he shrugged. “Sometimes there would be mornings where I’d wake up, having dreamt about you, and unable to figure out how to even drag myself out of bed. My friends…they’ve accepted I have some hard times, even if they have no idea why.”

“I’m glad you have people.”

“What about you?”

Adil looked at Toby thoughtfully. “Well…I wasn’t sure what to do after leaving London, so I went back to Leeds where my family is. Got a job at a nicer pub in the area…my family was ecstatic to have me there…after I had written them about the Halcyon getting bombed, they were terrified for me. Having me home, even when they knew something was wrong, was…just what we all needed, I guess.”

“I’m glad you got that much,” Toby smiled slightly. From what Adil had told him about his family, they were so much warmer than Toby’s own.

“I ended up telling Riya about you,” Adil blurted out softly. “Damned older sister…always knowing something is _too_ wrong. But she was okay with it…just held me…especially during the harder times.”

Toby couldn’t imagine being able to share that sort of thing with anyone in his family. “You’re lucky you have her,” he said wistfully.

“Extraordinarily so. I was in Leeds for a couple years…found the secret pubs there, as well” Adil held Toby’s hand tight, rubbing little circles with his thumb. “But then the bar got bought out and the new owner didn’t want someone like _me_ as a head bartender. He made it quite clear he didn’t trust me with that…well, you know.”

Toby nodded. From the start, he had hated seeing how some people treated Adil at the Halcyon, because of his dark skin and distant accent. It seemed so absurd to him that people would behave like that, even the ridiculous rich people that came through. Adil was damn good at what he did, but they lived in a time where race was an issue to many. Toby dreamed of a day where it wasn’t.

“So…you left Leeds.”

“There was nothing else there for me. I couldn’t find another job. The original owner of the bar told me there was a new pub opening in Bristol that needed a head barman and he put in a good word for me. I was suppose that was…forty-three. So I moved to Bristol and took that post.”

All of Toby’s escaping sounded like nothing compared to Adil’s. He knew he was lucky to have what he had. A fancy title, money, book smarts…he also knew the world valued him over Adil, something that had always disgusted Toby. Before, he had always tried to ignore that. He never wanted them to be the Honorable Toby Hamilton and head barman Adil Joshi. Just Toby and Adil. “Did the moving around help?” he asked curiously.

“I suppose in some ways,” Adil sighed. “I mean…it was nice being with my family for a bit. And I did like Bristol. The job there was good…I enjoyed it more than the pub in Leeds. But then…” he looked down. “I had been sort of…casually seeing someone…he wasn’t super special or anything, but he sort of wore me down to the point we were…something, I guess. But he showed up at the bar and caused this whole ruckus. It was…humiliating, to say the least…”

There was a slight flicker of jealousy in Toby’s chest when he thought about Adil being with someone else, even casually. “Did they fire you?” he asked, truly curious.

Adil shook his head. “I left. They didn’t blame me or anything, but things got…weird. He didn’t say or do anything super incriminating, but my coworkers and boss got…suspicious. I knew it wasn’t safe to remain working there. I heard that a new place was opening in Oxford and made the trip over the next day.”

It was strange, to Toby, how all the pieces seemed to…fall into place. Even with all the running Adil had done, he had ended up right here, right where Toby was. “Did you even think you might…have run into me here?”

Adil gave a slight chuckle. “The thought did cross my mind. I knew you studied here before the war, and a part of me _did_ wonder if you’d be back after. I suppose I still thought I was safe…I never thought you’d end up in such an…upscale bar.”

Toby laughed. “Never trust the wealthy, Adil,” he teased. “Do you know why they dragged me over there?”

“Do I _want_ to know?” Adil teased.

Toby rolled his eyes. “They want to find me a _woman_. Aidan and Julius and Basil…they’re always talking about old girlfriends, or women they’re sweet on around here, trying to meet women in bars and all…and then there’s _me_ , with no interest in any of it. And _obviously_ I can’t tell them. They can get quite determined, though…especially after a few drinks.”

Adil laughed. “I suppose a fancy pub would be a good place to find a woman for the Honorable Toby Hamilton,” he teased.

“Oh, don’t you start on that!” Toby laughed. So much of the seriousness from earlier had filtered out. Toby had forgotten how easy these things were with Adil. How their conversations worked, their talking, their banter…everything with Adil had always been so _natural_. And sitting there in pyjamas, finally talking about everything…Toby had been so sure he was never going to get this again. He had spent so long being so sure that Adil was gone forever. That he’d never get any of that again. He’d never get to see his face, touch him, kiss him, to hear his laugh, see the way he looked at Toby, as if he was the most important person in the world. Those eyes… _God_ he had missed Adil’s dark eyes. Eyes that could see right into Toby’s soul.

But here they were.

“Toby?”

“Hmm?” Toby was pulled from his thoughts.

“I know that it’s going to take more than this for things to get back to… _normal_ …but we’re on the right track, right?” Adil sounded slightly anxious.

Toby felt it too…as if what they were starting to work on between them was so _fragile_ that anything could break it at any moment. But Toby wasn’t going to stand for that. He finally had Adil back, and nothing or no one was going to take the other man from him again. “We’re on the right track,” he agreed. “And I know it’s going to be…shaky for a bit…but we’ll get there. Because we’re meant to be here…together…this wouldn’t have played out this way otherwise.”

Adil looked slightly relieved at Toby’s words. “I know it’s been a long time. And we’ve both changed. But we’re also the same in many ways. We have to relearn each other…and learn the new things. But no one could ever tell me we weren’t meant to be together.”

Toby felt tears welling up in his eyes. “It’s almost too good to believe,” he chuckled weakly.

Getting up from his chair, Adil came over to Toby, settling himself in the man’s lap. “It is, isn’t it?” he gave a half smile.  
Toby’s arms wrapped tight around him, cradling him close to his body. “We owe each other a lot, Adil. And you’re right…there’s still a lot to learn. A lot to deal with and all. But you’re still _my_ Adil. You always have been and you always will be.”

Adil gave a bright smile. “And you’re still _my_ Toby,” he said, letting out a relieved sigh. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

With a laugh, Toby pulled Adil closer to him before leaning down and kissing him fiercely.

Outside, the snow continued to fall. And on a day like this, any day before, where Toby would be telling his phantom Adil about how much he loved the snow, he didn’t even notice it now. Everything he had ever wanted, had needed, had yearned for, was right there in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you for all the kudos and comments! They make me feel spiffy. ^^
> 
> And again, if you'd like to throw any prompts my way, I would love that! Sometimes I'm not feeling this current story, so stuff in between would be cool.
> 
> You guys rock. <3


	5. REDISCOVERY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that was how it started, Adil spending more and more time at Toby’s flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun with this chapter. It wrote very easily!
> 
> And smut. It's about damn time. ;)

And that was how it started, Adil spending more and more time at Toby’s flat. He always wore the same pair of Toby’s pyjamas, even though he could have brought his own over at this point. Small things were starting to pop up…an extra comb, a second toothbrush…for both men, being together was like coming home again, and having a safe place just helped that along. Adil was spending less and less time at _his_ room…and both men liked it that way.

There were some awkward moments. Aidan had noticed the second toothbrush in the bathroom and it had started a lot of questions from Toby’s friends. Toby had spun a story about a friend from London who had stayed for a night and must have left his toothbrush. After that, Toby and Adil made sure any signs of Adil spending so much time there were safely hidden in the medicine cabinet.

Even as time progressed, Toby and Adil’s relationship remained rather chaste. Their talk had just been the start…neither wanted to dive into anything until they were sure they were ready. But there were tiny things starting to happen. By the end of February, neither wore a shirt to bed, just curled up under the warm, heavy blankets, bare chests pressed together.

Neither brought up the topic of anything sexual. They both knew it would happen organically.

Besides, what could be more important than the two of them just being together? Things were slowly getting back to where they had been before. Well, with certain adjustments, like Toby having his own place. It was certainly nice not to have to sneak around the Halcyon, or even Adil’s old flat in London with its thin walls and landlady who watched everything like a hawk. Toby and Adil spent nights together, just kissing and holding each other.

And that was just fine for now.

It was a dreary February Saturday morning, Toby and Adil cuddled up in bed and neither wanting to get out from under the covers…or each other’s arms. Toby was on his back, Adil curled up at his side, tracing patterns over the bare skin of his chest. Looking down, Adil had a look of deep thought on his face.

“Penny for your thoughts, Mr. Joshi?”

“Don’t waste your money,” Adil chuckled. “I was just thinking about us.”

“What about us?”

“How much I missed this. And how I should have known we’d be back here eventually.”

“Because we’re meant to be together,” Toby said firmly.

“Because we’re meant to be together,” Adil affirmed.

Toby laughed, taking Adil’s hand and kissing his knuckles lightly. “Let’s just stay in bed all day. We don’t have anything important to do.”

“I have work tonight.”

“Yes, but that’s _tonight_.”

With a chuckle, Adil kissed the juncture of Toby’s neck and shoulder. “Bring your friends over to the bar. I know they’re suspecting you have a secret girlfriend who you’re spending all your time with. Give them some attention, and I’ll be right there.”

“Serving drinks doesn’t count as _being right there_.”

“It’ll have to do, though.”

Adil looked up at Toby with a twinkle in his eyes. He shimmied up, capturing the other man’s lips in a deep kiss. All the kisses they had been sharing were deep and filled with emotion…in some ways, they wondered if it was to make up for lost time. Despite the fact that they hadn’t been intimate yet, their kisses held so much. Promises and time and _love_. As from the start, Toby and Adil’s lips just fit together, like they were made just to kiss each other. And they had discovered that long ago.

“I just want to kiss you forever,” Toby breathed against Adil’s lips.

Adil chuckled. “We should probably eat.”

“Mmm…that means getting out of bed,” Toby scrunched up his face. “I don’t want to get out of bed.”

“In a bit, then.”

Lazing around was a wonderful thing, something the men didn’t have the liberty of before. Toby and Adil had been doing quite a bit of it lately…and sometimes it was hard to remember what it had been like before.

Because the men were essentially rebuilding their relationship from the ground. Sure, they had the foundation, but that was it. Everything was different now, and they knew they had to change a lot of things from before. But they had a lot more on their side now than they had had before, which was certainly a positive. There was rediscovering, relearning, new things thrown into the mix.

Time had passed, and things were different, but Toby and Adil were getting more and more into their routine every day.

***

“I thought you had hated that place,” Basil said when Toby had phoned him and asked if he wanted to go to the bar that night. “You had looked so shaken when you ran into the bartender.”

“I know…” Toby frowned slightly, finding it hard to concentrate with Adil rubbing little circles on his knee. “But it reminds me a bit of home,” he finally managed to force out a lie. “And I miss it sometimes, so I was thinking…”

“I’m fine with that. And we all know Aidan will be in. I’ll call him now.”

“I’ll call Julius.”

“Nine o’clock outside the bar?”

“I’ll see you then.”

Toby hung up, shooting Adil a mock stern look. “You’re distracting me,” he accused with a pout, taking the man’s hand and kissing his palm lightly. “No touching when I’m on the phone with friends.”

“Of course, Mr. Hamilton,” Adil teased with a smirk.

“Watch it, or I’m going to kiss that smirk right off your face.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

Toby leaned over, capturing Adil’s lips in a passionate kiss. He pulled him off the arm of the chair and onto his lap, snaking arms around his waist.

When he pulled back, Adil was still smirking.

“You’re bloody impossible, you know that?” Toby mumbled.

“What are you going to do…sack me?”

Toby laughed. “You think you’re clever.”

“I _am_ clever.”

Toby kissed him lightly again. “I have to call Julius. Hands off, you hear me?”

Adil sighed. “Well if you insist,” and he curled up on Toby’s lap instead.

“You will be the death of me,” Toby laughed, picking up the phone again. “The absolute death of me.”

“The death of you will be trying to be discreet while at the bar tonight.”

“I’m the king of discreet.”

Adil just rolled his eyes while Toby called Julius, setting everything up for nine o’clock that night. “You _will_ behave,” Adil mock scolded.

“Well _maybe_ the barman should stop being so delicious.”

“I’ll be sure to pass that along.”

The two laughed. “I’m going to go make some tea,” Toby said, kissing Adil lightly. “We need some tea.”

“You’re the boss,” Adil teased cheerily.

Toby rolled his eyes. “Death of me,” he mumbled again as Adil got up off his lap. “Absolute death of me.”

***

Toby met his friends outside the bar at nine o’clock, everyone dressed up fancy once again. Toby had let Adil choose his suit, though there was no question which one he was going to pick.

They had laughed about it when Adil pulled it out of the wardrobe. “You know, I have clothes that fit better now,” Toby teased.

“Oh good! It’s about time someone got through to you,” Adil joked right back. “But it’s still my favorite.”

“I suppose I do have to appeal to the delicious bartender,” Toby kissed him lightly.

Adil checked his watch. “I have to get going if I want to show up on time,” the two kissed gently again. “See you soon, love.”

There was still something tragic about watching Adil leave. Although they didn’t have to do things stealthily like they had had to at the Halcyon, Toby hated watching it. And there was a small part of him that was terrified this time would be the last time. That Adil would leave him again…and this time he would never find him again.

When he had voiced this to Adil, the other man just held him close, burying his face in Toby’s shoulder. “I’m never leaving again,” he said softly. “I swear it.”

The bar was busy, but Toby made sure they went right for Adil’s side of the bar. Before anyone could place their orders, Aidan started speaking to Adil.

“Toby had mentioned that you were the bartender at his family’s hotel,” he studied Adil curiously.

“Yes,” Adil nodded, his bartender smile in place.

“How did you end up _here_?” Aidan continued curiously.

“It was all by happenstance,” Adil said genially. “Running into Mr. Hamilton was…quite a surprise.”

He and Toby glanced at each other. No one noticed.

They got their drinks and made their way to a table, settling happily amongst the throngs of well dressed men and women.

“You look much happier this time around,” Julius mused. “Last time we were here and you saw the barman, it was like someone had punched you in the gut.”

“Well, as Mr. Joshi said, it was quite a surprise.”

His friends stared at him curiously for a moment before they heard a giggle from the table next to them. Four young women were sitting there, eyeing their group up.

“Look sharp,” Julius chuckled, standing and going over, leaning against the table. “Can we buy you ladies a drink?” he said charmingly.

More giggles. Toby sighed softly, especially as he noticed one of the women was eyeing him up in particular. A small, but attractive woman, he supposed, with dark hair and dark eyes. He tried to ignore it, looking through dancing couples to Adil behind the bar. Adil looked up, a half smile on his lips.

The women moved over to their table, the eight of them a bit cramped. The girl who had been staring at Toby made sure to sit beside him.

Suddenly, there was no escape.

Hadn’t Toby gone through the motions enough with his mother? He had no desire to deal with this woman. But with his friends right there, he wasn’t sure how he could get out of it.

“My friends dragged me out,” the woman said to him. “I’m not much for the bar scene, though this is a very nice place,” she smiled, fluttering her eyelids. “Nanette Blythe.”

Toby wanted to run. Instead he took her hand as he had been raised to do. “Toby Hamilton. It’s a very nice place indeed.”

Listening to Nanette was exactly like being back at the Halcyon, his mother throwing some well bred girl in his path. She prattled on about her country house, her house in Oxford with her parents, as her father was a professor, her lavish vacations…Toby did what he had always done in these situations…put on a face and nodded when he thought he was supposed to, pretending to be paying attention. Occasionally his eyes would flicker over to Adil, which Nanette didn’t even notice as she continued to talk.

“If you’ll excuse me for just a moment…” Toby finally said. Nanette stood, looking rather crestfallen as Toby got out, going over to the bar. His friends were all in deep conversation with the women, and no one noticed. The bar was busy, but Toby waited for Adil. “Come back to my place when you’re done,” he muttered across the bar.

Adil smiled and nodded, looking close to laughter. “If you’re not too busy with that cute little thing with dark hair and dark eyes over there,” he teased.

“ _My_ cute little thing with dark hair and dark eyes is behind the bar and better show up at my flat when he’s off work,” Toby responded petulantly.

“Of course, Mr. Hamilton,” Adil finally let out a chuckle, handing Toby another whisky.

Sitting back at the table, Toby started to think about how he could take his leave. He looked at his friends, at Nanette’s hopeful gaze…downing the whisky, Toby looked over his shoulder. “I need to be getting back home, I’m afraid,” he said, hoping he sounded properly apologetic. “I’m not feeling the best, and would like some rest.”

“Aww, Hamilton!” Basil raised his glass. “We’re only just getting started!” the girl beside him giggled. _Why_ did girls giggle so much?

“He’s been studying too hard,” Aidan was already rather tipsy. “That’s why we need to take you out, Toby! You’ve been studying _far_ too hard!”

“Something like that,” Toby shrugged. He nodded at the group, at Nanette. “It was a pleasure, Nanette.”

“Can I-”

But Toby was already walking away. He needed this headache to be over with.

***

When he got home, Toby tried to figure out how to entertain himself, as he knew he would have a hard time concentrating while he waited for Adil. He finally decided to take a hot bath and attempt to read in front of the fire.

Half past eleven, there was a knock on the door. Toby shot up, opening it to see Adil smiling. “You didn’t bring her home, did you?” he teased.

“You’re not funny,” Toby snorted before pushing the other man against the wall and kissing him deeply. His hand ran under Adil’s uniform jacket. “I need you,” Toby muttered against Adil’s lips. “God, I need you so bad…”

Adil let out a soft moan, feeling his own need. The two stumbled back to the bedroom, their kisses only broken as they pulled off each other’s clothing. By the time they fell into the bed, they were both completely naked.

“Toby…”

“God, Adil…you’re even more beautiful than I remembered…”

“I missed your body so much…”

They kissed deeply, Adil pressing Toby against the bed, his hands running wherever they could reach. He kissed down Toby’s chest, reveling in the moans Toby couldn’t suppress as he licked at his nipples. Even after all this time, he _knew_ Toby’s body. The way Toby moaned as he kissed his naval, that certain place on Toby’s inner thigh that made him beg.

Adil stroked Toby’s cock for a moment before taking him in his mouth, letting his tongue run over the organ before starting to suck. Toby gasped loudly, his hands tangling in Adil’s hair. “Oh _God_ , Adil…”

Adil pulled back with a final lick against the head, coming back up to kiss Toby again. Toby rooted around the drawer in his bedside table, finding the lube he kept. Adil kissed him passionately as he slid a finger inside of Toby, stretching him out. He added a second finger before crooking them upwards, Toby letting out a strangled yelp as Adil brushed against his sweet spot. “Right there,” Toby cried out. “Adil…God…need you inside me…”

“ _God_ yes,” Adil moaned, preparing himself before slowly pushing inside of Toby.

Toby’s head fell back against his pillow as he felt Adil stretching him, moans and sharp cries pouring from his lips. He reveled in the feel of not having to be quiet, as he and Adil always had to be in the past.

A million casual encounters could never amount to this.

“You feel so good inside me…” Toby panted. “I forgot how good you feel inside me…”

“I forgot how good you feel around me…” Adil mumbled, kissing Toby again.

It didn’t take long for the two to fall back in rhythm together. Five years between or not, they still knew each other’s bodies…it was like they had been permanently engrained in their very beings. Every sensitive spot, every small movement…it was like there had been no time at all.

Adil shifted, wrapping one of Toby’s legs around his waist to hit his sweet spot. Toby let out a loud moan. “Right there, Adil… _right there_!”

Adil hit Toby’s spot over and over, reaching down to stroke his cock in time with his thrusts. Their eyes met, unable to look away from each other.

And that was how Toby came, looking deep into his lover’s eyes and moaning Adil’s name over and over. Adil came a moment later, shooting his release deep inside Toby. They stayed like that for a moment before Adil pulled out, holding Toby tight.

“Oh God, Toby…”

Toby kissed him fiercely. “I love you, Adil. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Toby,” Adil stroked his lover’s face. “I don’t know how I managed five years without that.”

Toby gave a weary chuckle. “Nor do I.”

Adil untangled himself to grab a towel, cleaning them up before getting into bed, curling up at Toby’s side. “I’m never leaving again,” he promised. “I can’t go through that again.”

“Thank God,” Toby gave a half sigh. “I couldn’t manage if you did.”

The two shared a drowsy kiss, just holding each other. And they drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms…right where they both belonged.

***

Toby was sorting through paperwork at his desk when he heard a knock on the door. Slightly confused, as he wasn’t expecting anyone, he got up. Maybe he had forgotten Adil was coming over…or maybe a friend just wanted to drop by.

Opening the door, Toby smiled to see Adil there. But his face turned to one of concern when he saw the look of fear on his lover’s face.

“Adil?” he pulled the other man inside. “What’s wrong?”

“You know how…well, when you first found me, and I was going to leave, and…” Adil was wringing his hands in worry. “And I told my landlord I wouldn’t need my room and…” he looked down. “And I had to stay there, because I had paid for it and…but he said when someone needed…well, that he would, you know, when someone came along and I could leave because…well, I guess the money, but-”

“Adil, calm down,” Toby pulled him close, rubbing his shoulders. “Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m getting kicked out of my room.”

Toby was slightly taken aback. He hadn’t given it any thought in the months they had been together. It seemed so far behind them. “So…what’s the-”

“I can’t _afford_ anywhere else,” Adil looked down. Toby frowned…he hated these moments, with the class differences and monetary differences. He knew it was difficult for Adil to talk about, it was one of the few vulnerabilities he didn’t indulge in with Toby too often, but this was a big deal.

“And your landlord-”

“He doesn’t have anything else within my price range,” Adil sounded downright miserable. They both knew what he was thinking…he’d have to leave again, stay with family or find a new job in a place he could find a cheaper room. A place that would take him away from Toby.

Toby wasn’t going to let that happen. “You’ll move in here,” he said decisively.

Adil looked up. “I will?”

“Yes, you damn well will. I’m not losing you again, Adil. You can…you can contribute whatever you can to the rent. The bed is big enough for both of us. There’s plenty of room for two people here.”

“Toby-”

“It’s a quiet neighborhood. There are plenty of single men sharing flats…it is a college town. I’ll figure out a way to explain it to friends. No one will suspect a thing. _You can’t leave me again_.”

Adil’s look of despair turned to one of relief. “You are the most remarkable man in the world, you know that?” he said softly, tears welling up in his eyes.

“Oh, hardly,” Toby took Adil’s hands. “Just the man who loves you more than life itself.”

“I can’t contribute much,” Adil said softly, a bit fearfully.

“I don’t care,” Toby kissed Adil lightly. “I would say you don’t have to pay anything at all, but I know you wouldn’t accept that.”

Adil let out a soft chuckle that bubbled up as a sob. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Adil. We’ll live like a good married couple,” he tacked on jokingly.

Adil wrapped his arms around Toby, holding him tight and resting his head on the other man’s shoulder. “I just have a couple days left…”

“I’ll get a key made up for you. We’ll be fine.”

They just held each other. “Thank you for coming back to me, Adil,” Toby said softly.

“Thank Fate for that one.”

“I don’t give a damn _who_ I’m thanking. You’re with me…and that’s all that matters.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for all the kudos and comments! I'm so glad you guys are enjoying this story just as much as I am!


	6. HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking around with a soft smile, Toby took a deep breath. “You know…this place…I’ve always liked it. It was simple, and it worked for when I was just…going through the motions. But now…now it’s actually a _home_ …”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally had the time to finish up this chapter! I had a lot of fun with this one, especially getting to bring in Freddie and Emma.
> 
> The Halcyon and characters are not mine. I just like playing with them and making shiny fanfiction.

“Of course I’d love a visit…will you two be staying at the…yes, the same inn as usual. Oh, you know there’s no room in my flat! Freddie, I never host anyone…why would I need another room? That makes no sense. Yes, of course…when do you get in? We’ll do dinner, I’ve recently discovered this… _what_?”

Adil wandered into the sitting room where Toby was on the phone. He sat in one of the armchairs, watching his lover with a slight smile on his face.

“I’m still not seeing anyone, Freddie,” Toby looked pained as he said it. Adil knew the look…it was the look Toby always got when he had to lie about things pertaining to relationships. “As I’ve told you and Mother multiple times, I’m _fine_. I’m much more worried about my studies than…yes, of course, Freddie. Hang on…” Toby covered the receiver and looked at Adil. “Do you have work tomorrow?” he asked softly. Adil shook his head. “We’ll see you tomorrow night at…” Toby suddenly flushed. “I did say ‘we’, didn’t I? I…er…found an old friend here. I think he’d like to…no,” Toby chuckled. “Adil Joshi…you know the head barman…yes, he’s…of course. The restaurant is called Galleria. It’s on Master Street. Six? Yes, we’ll see you then.”

Toby hung up the phone. Adil looked at him, eyebrow raised. “And…how did I get dragged into this mess?”

“I was thinking…” Toby crossed the room and sat on Adil’s lap. “Gauge the situation and maybe…tell Freddie and Emma. About us.”

“Do you think that’s…a wise idea?” Adil looked unsure.

“It hurts me to hold something like this back from Freddie,” Toby admitted. “He’s my twin, you know? There was a time we told each other everything…and I kind of miss it. Besides, I want him to know just _how_ happy I really am.”

“Toby…”

“I don’t want you to be my dirty little secret, Adil. And…I know in most ways we _do_ have to be secret…but maybe not in this way.”

Adil took in Toby’s face, so earnest, filled with compassion and hope. Adil gave a slight smile…how could he say no to that? “Okay. We’ll gauge the situation.”

Toby cradled Adil’s face in his hands before kissing him. “Thank you, love.”

***

Adil had been living with Toby for two months now. The two had fallen into something of a routine. It was so utterly _domestic_ , and both men loved it. Adil was sure he would never grow tired of falling asleep with Toby beside him, in his arms, waking up to light kisses and whispered _I love you’s_.

Toby had indeed proven that he was able to cook and clean and do laundry now. Adil tried to take most of the responsibility, as he mostly just worked nights and it was a way to make up for how little he contributed to the rent, but there were many times Toby took care of things as well.

Before, there was always a sword hanging over their heads. As much as they tried to ignore the class difference, the fact that Toby was the boss and Adil just a worker, all of it, they still had to deal with the unjustness of not being equals. But here in this flat, they _were_ for the first time. It wasn’t the Honorable Toby Hamilton and Mr. Adil Joshi…just Toby and Adil. Two people in love, doing what they could to make it work. And it _was_ working, which couldn’t make either man happier.

Spring was everywhere, in the lush plants and flowers, the beautiful weather. Toby explained to Adil that Freddie and Emma visited around this time every year, as Oxford hosted a large event for politicians and men looking to break into the field. Apparently Freddie would be finishing his political science degree soon, and he wanted to truly prove himself…to be more than just Lord Hamilton. Adil thought that was pretty spectacular of him. Neither Hamilton twin ever ceased to amaze him.

Though Adil was still fearing dinner that night. Toby seemed more relaxed about it, but Adil could feel a certain thrum of panic underneath the calm. He knew that Toby wanted this badly, but he also knew it could get ugly if things didn’t go as he wanted them to. “Gauge the situation” had become Toby’s mantra, and Adil just had to do his best to keep him from really panicking.

The night was fresh as they headed from their flat to the restaurant. Adil and Toby kept giving each other slight smiles as they walked, knowing they couldn’t hold hands or anything of the sort. A sort of comfort had fallen over them. At least they knew that neither of them were going to do anything rash or stupid.

Freddie and Emma were already outside when Toby and Adil arrived. “Toby!” Freddie greeted his twin enthusiastically with a hug. Obviously their relationship had gone through some changes over the years, Adil observed. And definitely for the better. Toby hugged Emma as Freddie looked at Adil. “Mr. Joshi! What a pleasant surprise!” he shook Adil’s hand with a smile.

“Please, just Adil,” Adil said, feeling slightly awkward. Emma smiled at him, giving him a hug as well.

“How on earth did you end up in _Oxford_?” Freddie asked Adil as they entered the restaurant.

“I did some moving around…and an opportunity opened up at a bar nearby,” Adil said politely. They were seated. “It’s nice, but no Halcyon,” he teased slightly.

Freddie and Emma both chuckled. “Well you’re always welcome to come back,” Emma said. “The lounge is bigger and better.”

“Thank you, Ms. Garland-”

“Oh please, Adil…just Emma.”

Toby gave Adil a reassuring smile. “Thank you, Emma. But I’m liking Oxford very much.”

Adil shifted slightly uncomfortably. He sneaked a glance at Toby, who was repeating under his breath, “Gauge the situation…gauge the situation…”

Dinner progressed nicely. Freddie and Emma seemed very interested in what Adil had been up to, how he was enjoying Oxford. Freddie talked about studying politics, how he was trying to make a name for himself as Freddie Hamilton, not Lord Hamilton, as a politician. It made Adil respect him greatly, though he supposed Toby had the same approach to things. Emma talked about working at the Halcyon, and told Adil all about her and Freddie’s wedding. Apparently it was a grand affair, but everything she had always wanted. She also mentioned, with a sly glance at Freddie, that they hoped to have children soon…maybe after Freddie was finished school. Toby filled Freddie and Emma in with his research, though they admitted they had no clue what it all meant. Adil chuckled at this one…he heard it all the time and _still_ had no idea what Toby was talking about most of the time.

“Mother says hello,” Freddie finally said as their desserts were brought out. “She’s worried about you, Toby.”

“Why is she worried about me?”

“Because she’s Mother.”

The two men laughed. “Well you can tell her I’m fine. Things are going well.”

“She wants you to…she’s on the hunt to find you a wife, Toby. And I told her that you-”

“Freddie…” Toby took a deep breath and looked over at Adil. Adil gave him a reassuring smile. They had gauged the situation…and it seemed safe. “I need to…come clean…”

Freddie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Come clean?”

“Adil is my lover. We had been together years ago. _Months_ leading up to the Halcyon being bombed. And…he had to go, but we found each other and…and now we’re back together. And have been for some time.”

Freddie and Emma looked at each other before looking across the table to Toby and Adil, both looking slightly pale.

“Oh,” Freddie finally said. “Okay.”

Toby raised an eyebrow. “ _Okay_?”

“Well if you make each other happy…what’s the problem?”

“It’s illegal, Freddie! The consequences…” Toby and Adil glanced at each other. “And I wanted to tell you…but I was always so afraid and…”

Freddie laughed. “I think I always had an… _inkling_ to your preferences,” he shrugged. “There were some very pretty and lovely women thrown at you and you didn’t want anything to do with any of them. And I saw the way you would look at other boys in school. I don’t think _you_ realized it, but…”

“So you’re not…you don’t think I’m disgusting or vile or…”

“We would never think that,” Emma took Toby’s hand across the table. “No one chooses who they love.”

Toby and Adil took each other’s hands under the table. They were still in public and couldn’t risk any outward shows of affection. But Freddie and Emma’s reactions were plenty reassuring. Proof that the world might not be as cruel as it seemed. And Toby found himself breathing easier…he didn’t have to keep this secret from his twin anymore. And his twin didn’t think he was disgusting, or want to cut off communication, or anything negative at all. Adil must have noticed Toby easing up, because he winked at him and squeezed his hand.

“We’ll just leave this one out with Mother,” Freddie chuckled. “God knows it would _probably_ kill her.”

Toby snorted inelegantly. “I think you’re very right about that.”

“I’ll try to find a way to get her off your back about finding a wife,” Freddie promised earnestly. “I don’t know how successful I’ll be, but…” after a moment, he looked over at Adil. “And Adil?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Oh, none of that ‘sir’ nonsense. I’m not your boss anymore.”

“Habit,” Adil chuckled, a faint blush showing on his dark skin.

Freddie smiled. “That’s fair. Well, Adil. I can see how in love you and Toby are. And…I think I’m seeing the reason he sunk into such a deep depression all those years ago. So I just _have_ to say, if you ever hurt him like that again-”

“Freddie,” Emma scolded. “You can’t threaten without knowing all the circumstances,” she looked to Adil. “Of course we don’t know all of it…but don’t let each other go again. Seeing Toby when he was going through the worst of it was…devastating for all of us.”

“We’ve worked through, Freddie,” Toby promised. “And everything is going _so_ well. We really are just a…normal couple.”

Freddie’s eyes darted between Toby and Adil, taking in the looks of sincerity and hope on both their faces. Finally, he smiled. “A normal couple…” he nodded. “And someday, you won’t have to hide that from the rest of the world.”

Toby felt full to bursting. “Thank you, Freddie.”

“Does anyone else know?” Emma asked curiously.

“No,” Toby said softly.

“It’s safer this way,” Adil said, a bit sadly.

“And necessary,” Toby added. “But we… _I_ didn’t want to keep this from you. It still sort of…hurt to.”

Freddie raised his wine glass. “To no more secrets.”

Everybody echoed with laughter. Toby and Adil shared a look. It was truly starting to feel like things were going their way.

***

As per their tradition, Toby and Freddie went out for drinks the next evening. Although Freddie was curious about going to Adil’s bar, Toby protested. He didn’t want to be distracted by his lover behind the bar, as tended to happen when he was there. They went to the Old Haunt, Toby and his friend’s usual bar, which was closer to Toby’s flat and nice enough as well.

So Toby and Freddie found themselves at a table in the corner, each with a whisky and knowing they had a good amount to talk about.

“So you and Mr… _Adil_ ,” Freddie started in almost right away. Toby didn’t mind…he felt he certainly owed his twin _something_ after so many years of secrecy. Besides, he relished actually getting to talk about his lover, something he had never had the chance to do before. “I never would have suspected,” Freddie admitted.

“We had to hide everything, Freddie,” Toby sighed. “The consequences…and when Mr. D’Abberville found out-”

“Wait… _what_?”

Toby realized that along with his and Adil’s relationship came that bit of history. “Freddie…you can’t get angry over what I’m about to tell you, okay?”

Freddie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Okay…” he said hesitantly.

“Mr. D'Abberville discovered us. Remember all those information leaks at the start of the war?” Toby held his breath as Freddie nodded. “He had been blackmailing Adil. To steal the information for him.”

“Toby…how could you possibly…”

“I said some awful things to Adil. Things I didn’t mean. To keep him safe. The night of the bombing…he tried to kill himself. That was where I disappeared to. I had to save him. And we tried after…but I had told him to disappear, and the seed was planted. He disappeared shortly after.”

The look on Freddie’s face made it clear he was trying to digest it all. “But you still loved him.”

“I couldn’t just _stop_ ,” Toby said sadly. “I tried. Believe me, I tried.”

“Well then…I’m glad you two have found each other again,” Freddie said with a smile. Toby was definitely relieved he wasn’t dwelling on what had happened in the past. “You deserve to be happy, and it’s so obvious he does that for you,” he chuckled. “I do wish you had told me before. I could have helped…”

“No one could have helped,” Toby said honestly. “I was empty before he came back. I loved him too much. And we’ve talked through the past, Freddie. Now we’re properly in the present, and…” he blushed slightly. “And our future.”

There was a moment of silence before Freddie gave a dazzling smile. “You have someone you love. _Nothing_ is as important as that. And now _I_ don’t have to worry about you so much.”

Toby rolled his eyes. “Like you did any worrying.”

“ _Of course_ I worried, Toby. You don’t think I hated the thought of you being alone? Not having someone to love? I saw how you were with those women Mother would throw at you. I wanted you to have someone, like I’ve always had Emma. And here we are. _Thank God_.”

Even in his imaginings of the best case scenarios, Toby couldn’t imagine one working out as well as this. He had been plenty terrified about how things would go with Freddie…he wouldn’t have been able to bear it if his twin was disgusted in him…or wouldn’t be able to forgive Adil for the blackmail affair. But Freddie was nothing but overjoyed for Toby, and it was the best feeling in the world.

Freddie raised his glass. “To the Hamilton men and the people they love…and that stupidly love them back.”

Toby laughed. “I’ll drink to that,” he clinked his glass against Freddie’s, pretty sure he couldn’t possibly smile any wider.

***

As time progressed, things started to change in every aspect of Toby’s life. His basic flat had became a warm home. Adil had hung up some ornaments and pictures that were family heirlooms (which Toby _loved_ ) and drab curtains and accents had been redone in warmer shades (which Toby _also_ loved).

He realized that, before, his flat was just a place to exist. With Adil’s warm flare, it felt like a place to share with someone. Like any other couple would have a place set up…and as this was as close to “normal couple” as Toby and Adil could get, they both appreciated it for what it was.

Toby thought nothing of it, since he and Adil were the only ones who saw the flat, so he wasn’t even thinking when Julius asked if he could stop by for some notes.

Toby realized the predicament too late.

“Good _God_ , Toby…” Julius looked around. “Do you have a woman on the sly? I _know_ you didn’t do this yourself.”

“Sure I did,” Toby protested. “I just…needed a change. Something more…homy.”

Julius was examining a very obviously Indian ornament. “Where did you even _get_ this?”

“Family friend,” Toby said as impassively as he could. “Brought it back from India.”

The other man clearly wasn’t swayed. Toby cursed the fact that his friends were so clever and perceptive and quickly grabbed for the notes. “Hamilton-”

“Toby-”

Adil had come out from the bedroom, stopping short when he saw Julius. Toby thrusted the notes into Julius’s hands. “I’ll see you-”

“Who’s that?” Julius pointed at Adil.

“Er…Julius, this is my friend, Adil.”

Julius was studying Adil. “You’re the barman at that nice bar.”

Adil kept his cool, as he had always been so good at, even with Toby starting to panic. “Yes. I used to work in Toby’s family’s hotel.”

With a slow nod, Julius looked around. “Of course. He did mention that.”

“Adil was just stopping by for a drink. Always nice to see a familiar face and all.”

Toby and Adil exchanged a furtive look, both praying Julius didn’t notice Adil had come out from the bedroom.

It seemed they were safe.

“Are you the family friend who brought Hamilton…” Julius pointed at the ornament.

“I am.”

“Did you help him…redecorate, too?”

“Yes.”

Toby was grateful for how calm and collected his lover could be. Right now it was certainly helping him not fly into a panic.

“That was kind of you,” Julius said with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, Toby came to me and asked. He wanted things to be…warmer.”

Toby was starting to feel like he and Adil weren’t going to come out of this one entirely unscathed. His friends weren’t idiots…and he knew it would be easy enough to put two and two together, given everything that was happening in the moment. He was starting to feel like the most he could pray for was Julius falling into a denial, anything to avoid the thoughts of Toby being like _that_.

But the pieces were connecting in Julius’s head, Toby could tell that just by looking at him. All the failed attempts at finding Toby a girlfriend…a “friend” redecorating Toby’s whole flat…Adil having come out of the bedroom…the ornaments and warm accents. Toby’s mind started scrambling for how he was going to do damage control with this one.

Julius was taking it all in. Toby could feel his heartbeat increasing. Adil kept sending him side looks of reassurance…he knew the signs. Just as it seemed Julius was going to have _something_ to say about it all, a relatively joking, “We should have a house warming party,” came out of his mouth.

“I’ll pass,” Toby chuckled weakly. “I need those notes back by tomorrow,” he quickly changed the subject, wanting to get his friend out as quick as possible before they got any deeper in.

“Yes, sir,” Julius gave a sarcastic salute.

“And just…don’t tell anyone about…” Toby gestured around him. The last thing he needed was the rest of their friends to know about everything. If Julius was able to come close to the truth, along with Basil and Aidan, Toby and Adil would be found out in a second.

“No need to be ashamed,” Julius rolled his eyes. “But okay.”

He nodded at Adil before letting himself out of the flat.

Toby let out a heavy breath, his head hanging against his chest. He felt Adil’s arms wrap around him. “You’re fine, Toby,” Adil said soothingly. “He doesn’t want to know, so he won’t know.”

“I guess I just hadn’t even thought… _God_ , Adil…now it’s just going to be stirring over in his head.”

“We’ll figure out how to be more prepared to deal with it,” he took Toby’s chin between his thumb and forefinger. “For now, you need to relax. It’s over with, and whatever happens…we’ll figure it out.”

Adil leaned up to kiss Toby lightly. Toby finally gave a weak smile. “It’s just…Freddie and Emma are one thing. But the three of them…it’s so much more… _dangerous_.”

“You never really know, do you?” Adil took Toby’s elbows. “Don’t worry about it right now, okay?”

It was clear that it was still ruminating in Toby’s head. There were very few options for fighting that, so Adil went to lock the door before taking Toby’s hand, pulling him back to the bedroom. “Adil-”

“There are much better things to think about than all that,” Adil purred, pushing his lover onto the bed. “Losing your head over it is completely pointless,” he got up on the bed, quickly pulling off Toby’s trousers and underwear. “I think we need a distraction,” he smirked, reaching down to stroke Toby’s cock.

“A distraction…” Toby’s brain was obviously fighting itself, something Adil had experienced plenty of times. Adil unbuttoned Toby’s shirt, kissing down his chest.

“Can’t have you flying into a panic, now can we?” Adil kissed the inside of Toby’s thigh before licking up his cock. “It won’t do anyone any good.”

Toby let out a soft moan, his lust clearly starting to cloud his logic. “Adil…” he moaned softly, gasping loudly as Adil swallowed his hardness. “Oh _God_ , Adil!” He watched as Adil took his length, tangling his fingers in his hair. “That mouth is so…so good…” his breathing got heavier, his moans louder. “Adil…love you, love you so much…”

Adil sucked hard, his tongue running up and down, teasing the tip lightly. He was completely fueled by the noises Toby was making…he knew just how Toby liked it, and made sure he did just that.

“Adil!” Toby let out a strangled yelp as he felt Adil start to finger him as well. “I’m going to…Adil I’m going to come!”

Adil just pushed it further until Toby’s hips started thrusting and he came with a loud moan in Adil’s mouth. He kissed Toby’s skin as he came down from his orgasm, sucking a bruise into his hipbone. Shimmying back up, he smirked at Toby. “Well aren’t you a sight?” he teased, running his fingers through Toby’s hair.

“ _God_ you’re amazing,” Toby laughed, kissing Adil lightly. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Toby.”

Looking around with a soft smile, Toby took a deep breath. “You know…this place…I’ve always liked it. It was simple, and it worked for when I was just…going through the motions. But now…now it’s actually a _home_ …” he took Adil’s hand intertwining their fingers together. “And with you living here with me…I guess I finally understand the _meaning_ of the word. I’m not even sure I ever have before.”

“I’m not sure I did, either,” Adil mused, nuzzling against Toby’s neck.

“I wish I _could_ share it with everyone,” Toby admitted. “I wish I could share _all_ of it. I want to show you off…announce to the world that this is the man I love.”

“The world won’t always be like this,” Adil said softly, but surely. “Things always change. And someday, we’ll be able to do that.”

“You’re such a dreamer,” Toby chuckled.

“I have to balance out your logic somehow,” Adil laughed, kissing Toby deeply. “But I truly believe there will be a place in the world for us someday.”

Toby just smiled, slowly unbuttoning Adil’s shirt, running his hand down his bare chest to his trousers and making quick with them. “Your faith is contagious,” he grinned, moving to push down Adil’s pants and underwear. Adil just laughed, the noise turning to a breathy moan as Toby started to stroke him. “In the meantime, you’re still here, and you’re still mine.”

“And you’re mine.”

“And I always will be,” Toby gave a dazzling grin, kissing down Adil’s chest. “I love you…” he flicked his tongue over Adil’s nipples, reveling in the broken gasps. “I love you,” his tongue curled around Adil’s belly. “I love you…”

Whispered nothings and repaid favors was something so balanced about Toby and Adil’s relationship. And as Toby sucked Adil until he came with Toby’s name falling from his lips, Toby knew that it didn’t matter how they had to live…because the two of them were in love and would always find a way to make it work.

They had tried too hard not to be together. But whatever divine presence had brought them back to each other was the one Toby was going to start believing in. He’d just thank all of them for now. And as he watched from bed as Adil got ready for work, Toby couldn’t help but smile. He couldn’t imagine being luckier.

Adil came over to the bed. “Don’t just lay around all night,” he teased. “Try to get _something_ done.”

“Maybe I’ll stop by the bar,” Toby joked, a twinkle in his eyes.

“Aren’t you a student?” Adil laughed. “Don’t wait up. It’s a late night.”

Toby rolled his eyes. “You know I can’t sleep without you.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Adil chuckled, pressing his lips lightly against Toby’s.

“I love you,” Toby pulled Adil down a bit more for a deeper kiss.

“I love you, too,” Adil beamed, kissing his lover.

Fear would probably always be a thing, no matter what Adil believed, but right now, Toby was beyond the fear. It would surely rear its ugly head again at some point, but for now, he had the echo of Adil’s lips against his, and the marks Adil had sucked into his skin…his lover was the bravest man he knew, and that left an imprint on Toby like nothing else could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thank you for all the kudos and comments. They rock my world.
> 
> Now for my story!  
> I got into The Halcyon because of Edward Bluemel. He was cast in an upcoming show from one of my favorite book series, the All Souls Trilogy (you should read them. Seriously.) I saw him and was pretty much like “This man is adorable…what can I watch him in?” and then discovered The Halcyon through there.
> 
> This weekend, I was at a convention for AST. We got to see the first episode (I can’t give any details because it’s all super secret and I signed a form and stuff), but I am ecstatic to say he is absolutely phenomenal in the role. Go read the books (the first one, and first season of the show is called A Discovery of Witches). The show comes out later this year in the UK, and early next year in the US (damn having to wait).


	7. FOREVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So maybe things weren’t perfect with the world. Toby and Adil couldn’t be properly together in public. There would always be some sort of class division, some sort of race division. Their relationship could only be shared with a select few. But here, together, the two of them had everything they needed. And in each other’s arms, in each other’s lips, their homey flat and love that never died against all odds, they were as close to perfection as any two people could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of this nifty story!  
> I really enjoyed writing this last chapter. It's basically pure fluff. :P
> 
> As usual, the Halcyon and characters are not mine. I just like to play with them.

“I got it!”

Adil peeked around from where he was reading in the sitting room as the door to the flat swung open. “And _what_ did you get, darling?” he laughed.

Toby came into the sitting room, leaning down to give Adil a deep kiss. He didn’t want to pull away, but he also wanted to share it all. “The research job!” he waved a couple sheets of papers. “They saw I was top of the class and offered me the position on the spot!”

“That’s wonderful,” Adil grinned widely. “Congratulations, my love.”

Toby kissed him again, pulling him up. “We’re going to celebrate…a fancy dinner and champagne and lots of sex.”

Adil laughed. “Whatever you want, Toby. This is your moment.”

“ _My_ moment to share with _you_ ,” he beamed. “I’m going to make some calls…find us a restaurant…we can dress up all nice and have a wonderful meal and drink good champagne…” Toby couldn’t stop himself. “I think they were impressed, not just with school stuff, but the work I did in the War Office. They said they needed people who properly understood math and patterns and could analyze and…” he broke off with a wide smile. “Can you even _believe_ it?”

With a roll of his eyes, Adil kissed Toby lightly. “Of _course_ I can believe it, Toby. You’re uncommonly smart. Everyone can see it, even if you don’t.”

Toby chuckled. “You have to say that…you’re my lover.”

“I don’t have to say _anything_ , Toby Hamilton,” Adil laughed. “It’s all the complete truth.”

Toby wrapped his arms around Adil, pulling him close. “Everything is going so _well_ ,” he had that delicious look of mischievousness on his face. “I have an amazing job, an amazing flat, an amazing man,” he kissed Adil lightly. “What more could anyone possibly want?”

It wasn’t like there hadn’t been a few hiccups over the past couple years. Slowly, and completely out of Toby’s control, all of his friends had seen his flat, firing questions away about the changes, the ornaments…after Julius had caught Adil at the flat, Adil had learned to stay hidden if he was at home when someone came to call. There had been a moment when they had been at Adil’s bar and had noticed Toby zoning out, staring at the bartender. Julius had whispered to Basil and Aidan that he was a friend of Toby’s. Toby was sure the three of them suspected something, but no one said anything.

Besides, they were all moving after graduating. Julius and Basil were moving to London, hoping to find teaching jobs at other universities. Aidan was staying in Oxford for a bit, but he had already expressed that he didn’t want to _stay_ there.

But Toby was ecstatic to have a research job with Oxford. And he definitely didn’t want to move out of his and Adil’s flat. It was totally and completely _home_ by now, and Toby loved it for being his and Adil’s. Long gone were the days where Toby was living mechanically in a sparse environment. It had worked, he supposed, before Adil came back into his life.

“I’ll draw a bath,” Adil chuckled. “You make those calls.”

“And then I’ll join you in the bath.”

“Of course you will, Toby,” Adil said, mockingly exasperatedly.

A little later, after securing a reservation at a restaurant, Toby padded into the bathroom, quickly getting undressed and getting into the large tub, his back resting against Adil’s chest. Adil’s arms wrapped around him and he buried his face in Toby’s shoulder. “I love you so much, Toby. And I’m _so_ proud of you.”

“I love you so much too, Adil,” Toby turned his head to look at his lover. “And I thank God every day for bringing you back to me. I wasn’t living before…you brought me back from some…sorry existence. Going through the motions.”

“And you have done the same for me,” Adil said softly, pressing his lips to Toby’s feather lightly. “I’m sorry I fought it so much at first.”

“You were just trying to protect yourself,” after all this time, Toby held no bitterness. The two had talking about all of it. All the honesty on the table just made them stronger.

“Who’d have thought…” Adil said with wonder, kissing Toby’s shoulder lightly. “I should have known I could never successfully run from you.”

Toby chuckled, turning his head to kiss Adil. “We made it, my love.”

They relaxed in the bath, enjoying the closeness in a comfortable silence. Toby loved these moments, just relishing his time with the man he loved. Because sometimes, words just weren’t necessary. They knew each other’s thoughts.

The clock struck six. “We should start getting ready,” Toby sighed. In some ways, he just wanted to stay like this. “Our dinner reservations are at seven.”

Toby could feel Adil nod against his shoulder. “How fancy do we have to get?”

“ _Very_.”

Adil laughed. When he had first moved in, he didn’t even _own_ any fancy clothes. Outside of his uniform, he had no need for them. But Toby had insisted on taking Adil shopping for some, telling him he needed _something_ for when Toby wanted to take him out for a fancy dinner. And Adil knew he had to acquiesce…not that he could even _think_ about saying ‘no’ when Toby got that look on his face.

After getting out of the tub, Toby walked over to the wardrobe, a towel wrapped around his waist. He pulled out a suit for Adil and a suit for himself, laying them on the bed. He watched Adil out of the corner of his eyes, a slight smirk on his face as Adil wrapped a towel around his waist and pulled out the stopper in the tub.

“You’re bloody _gorgeous_ , you know that?” Toby growled as Adil came into the bedroom. “Absolutely bloody _gorgeous_.”

“As if you’re one to talk, Mr. Hamilton,” Adil laughed.

Toby pulled Adil close and kissed him. “Maybe we should stay in,” Toby mumbled against Adil’s lips.

“Absolutely not,” Adil mock scolded. “You wanted a fancy dinner, so we’re having a fancy dinner.”

Looking downright petulant, Toby sighed. “But…”

“No buts.”

Toby just squeezed Adil’s arse as if to make a point.

***

Even after all these years of Toby taking him to fancy restaurants, Adil still tended to feel out of place. Most workers weren’t very discreet with the looks they gave him, clearly not keen on an Indian man being in their establishment, dressed up or not. Of course, Toby wasn’t very discreet about glaring right back.

There were a few places that weren’t as bad. Whether they weren’t as obvious about it, or they were more accepting of Adil being with Toby, or whatever any other reason was anybody’s guess.

They ended up at one of those that night, an expensive Italian restaurant that was a favorite of both of theirs. Toby immediately ordered an expensive bottle of prosecco, and he and Adil half perused the menu, half kept giving each other sly glances over the top of them.

After placing their orders, Adil raised his glass in a toast.

“To you, the man I love, getting his dream job right from the start.”

“And to you, the man _I_ love, behind me…who I couldn’t have done it without.”

Toby was certainly grateful that people tended to keep to themselves in this restaurant. No one would be listening in on their very incriminating toast. The two clinked their glasses together with wide grins, Toby letting his fingers trail over Adil’s for just a moment.

“You’re a marvel, Toby Hamilton,” Adil laughed.

“Well behind every great man there’s a great _someone_. Or…however the saying goes.”

Adil just shook his head, still beaming. “Stick to numbers, love. They suit you much better.”

Toby rolled his eyes but chuckled softly. He had a strange moment, seeing everything in front of him. He could remember when Adil first left…and when he had come back into his life. The past few years had been filled with wonder, the fact that Adil was his…that they had gotten through everything in their past and come out stronger in the present…and they would in the _future_. There had never been any doubt in Toby’s mind that he and Adil belonged together. Those long years being haunted by his lover proved that without a doubt. But here they were…celebrating something beautiful, something so powerful. It went way beyond celebrating Toby getting the job. This was just another start to a new chapter in their lives.

“Penny for your thoughts, Mr. Hamilton?”

“Keep the penny,” Toby laughed. “I was just…thinking.”

In the dim light and candles, Adil’s black hair was highlighted with gold. His dark eyes seemed bottomless, and Toby felt like he could get lost in them forever. “Thinking about what?” Adil asked curiously.

“Just… _everything_ ,” Toby smiled. “Everything from the past. Sitting here with you, the man I love, knowing everything is going to be okay. For everything I suffered before you came back to my life…how grateful I am that you did. And how I know I can never be without you again.”

Adil laughed. “You think too much.”

Toby gave a wide grin. “Perhaps. But I can’t help it. We got our second chance, Adil. _That’s_ a miracle,” Toby knew they got incredibly lucky…and he wouldn’t change a moment of their reunion and getting back together. Adil just gave a sly smile as their food was brought to them, winking at him as soon as the waiter left. Toby let out a groan. “I _knew_ we should have stayed home,” he sighed.

“Can’t even handle a little wink, huh?” Adil teased.

“You are a terrible person,” Toby said dryly. “Making me want you like that.”

“Eat, drink, and then we can go home.”

Toby laughed. “Yes, sir.”

Adil just rolled his eyes as they started to eat.

The chatter was on and off as the two men ate and drank. When the bill came, Adil grabbed it before Toby could. “This one is on me,” he stated definitively. “Celebrating the man I love.”

“You’re so soppy,” Toby wrinkled his nose, reaching across the table to try and get the bill.

“And _you’re_ making a scene,” Adil laughed, settling the bill. They both knew Toby wasn’t _really_ making a scene, but a few fellow diners were glancing at them. “Come on, let’s get you home before you start ripping my clothes off here,” Adil teased in a husky voice.

Toby growled. “Oh, don’t you _dare_.”

They stood, walking side by side out of the restaurant. In the shadow of an empty street, they shared a quick kiss, rushing to the comforts of home.

***

Toby would never grow tired of the way Adil made him feel. His lips against his, skin slicked with sweat all over…the way their bodies moved together so perfectly. Over the years, Toby had been with quite a few men, and not a single one came close to how Adil made him feel. Which made sense, of course, as Toby had never _loved_ any of those men, but that didn’t mean being with Adil would ever lose its magic.

Toby kissed Adil hungrily, pressing him against the mattress of their bed. Adil held him close, fingers running over every bit of skin they could. Drawing back for a moment, Toby peppered kisses over Adil’s neck and shoulders. “I love you so damn much,” he mumbled, tongue tracing over the delicate skin. “ _So_ damn much.”

“I love you, too,” Adil gasped softly as Toby ground his erection against Adil’s. “I always have, and I always will.”

Toby kissed him deeply again, reaching down to stroke his cock for a second before reaching for the lube. He slipped a finger into Adil’s ass, stretching him slowly. Adil let out a moan, his hips lifting as Toby worked another finger in.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Toby mumbled as he stretched his lover, nearly coming undone simply by the noises Adil was making. “My Adil…my love…”

“All your’s,” Adil gasped as Toby crooked his fingers up, brushing against his sweet spot. “And you’re all _mine_.”

Lifting Adil’s slender hips, Toby lined himself up, pushing slowly into Adil’s body. Adil moaned loudly, pulling his lover flush against him for a deep kiss and intertwining their fingers together, holding Toby’s hand tightly. Toby moaned into his mouth as he pushed himself completely into Adil. “ _God_ , Adil…you feel so good,” he murmured against the man’s lips.

“I love when you’re inside me,” Adil muttered back. “How you fit…so perfectly…” he growled softly. “Move…Toby, I need you to move…”

Starting off slow, Toby started moving. Noises of pleasure and murmurs of love and affection poured from both of them. Toby could only barely process how perfectly they moved together, how their bodies just _fit_. Making love was truly that with the two of them. Toby wouldn’t trade it for anything…and he knew Adil wouldn’t either.

Toby hooked one of Adil’s legs around his waist, thrusting deeper and deeper until Adil was crying out from Toby hitting his sweet spot over and over. Toby took Adil’s cock, beating him off in time with his thrusts while squeezing their hands they were holding.

“Toby! Toby, I’m going to come!”

Toby increased his pace until Adil’s head fell back with a loud moan, Toby’s name pouring from his lips like a prayer. It wasn’t long before Toby came as well, shouting Adil’s name as he came inside of him. The two lay like that for a moment, panting, before Toby pulled out, laying on his side and pulling Adil up close. They just cuddled, enjoying the after moments of their love making, the feel of sweat and release on their skin, pressed together close.

“You are my miracle,” Toby said softly, kissing Adil’s forehead. “You came back to me… _God_ , I will never, _ever_ take you for granted.”

“Make that two of us,” Adil laughed, squeezing Toby’s hand. “No one in the world could sway me on who I want to spend my life with.”

Toby chuckled, getting up to clean them up before crawling back into bed, kissing Adil languidly. “Be mine forever.”

“Forever,” Adil echoed.

Arms tight around each other, the two soon fell into a deep sleep, knowing there was nowhere else they would rather be.

***

Adil was getting ready for his shift at the bar when Toby came up behind him, wrapping his arms around him and kissing below his ear. “It’s criminal when you do this to me when I’m getting ready, you know that?” Adil sighed, relaxing into his lover’s embrace.

“I can’t help myself,” Toby said childishly. “I just see you all…done up, straightening your bowtie…it drives me insane.”

“Everything I do drives you insane,” Adil teased.

“Lies,” Toby kissed below the other ear. “We’re going to come by for a drink. We want to celebrate before everyone starts leaving, and I want to stare at you.”

“I don’t know how your friends haven’t realized you’re shacking up with the bartender yet,” Adil laughed. “Discretion is not your strong suit.”

“I am the _king_ of discretion, Adil.”

Adil rolled his eyes. “Let me finish getting ready or there will be no bartender to stare at,” he elbowed Toby.

Toby kissed the back of his neck lightly before moving away, going over to the wardrobe and starting to go through his suits. “When is your next night off?” he asked lightly.

“Wednesday,” Adil turned, raising an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Just some plans,” Toby said nonchalantly.

“ _More_ plans?”

“Yes, Adil,” Toby smirked slightly. “ _More_ plans.”

“Any particular reason for them?”

“Do I need a reason to spoil my man?”

Adil studied Toby with a look between curiosity and suspicion. Toby put on his best ‘innocent’ look, which just made Adil furrow his eyebrows. “Fine. Plans on Wednesday night.”

Toby loped back over to Adil and kissed him lightly. “You’ll understand then, I promise. Now finish getting ready for work and I’ll see you in a bit,” he disappeared into the bathroom, leaving Adil shaking his head.

That was _always_ the thing with Toby Hamilton. One just never knew.

***

Wednesday evening, Toby sent Adil to the market to pick up some things he claimed they needed. Although Adil was a bit skeptical, he hadn’t looked in the pantry before, so perhaps they really were necessary. He was pretty sure that was what Toby planned, and in some ways, it was easier to just play along with it. Whatever the man had planned for the night, Adil didn’t want to ruin it by not playing his unknown part. Because, while Toby prided himself on being sneaky and covert, by now, Adil could read him like an open book. Besides, Toby wore all his emotions on his sleeve. Adil could tell he was proud and excited and ever so slightly nervous about what was going on that night.

Toby was working hard, anyway. He started his researcher job in a little over a week, and he had a lot to do to get ready for it. There were already times where he would be pouring over papers at his desk in the sitting room, getting prepared for the environment he would be entering into soon. Adil knew that he would be busy, so what little time they had left to just relax was important. So he had decided he’d let Toby have his fun.

This job would definitely start another shift in their relationship, not that that was necessarily a bad thing. Couples _had_ to evolve with life changes…it was just the way the world worked. And Adil knew that this was Toby’s dream job. Hell, he had even done some of it before he started at the War Office all those years ago. Of course, that was before the two were together, but with everything they had been through, this wasn’t going to ruin anything, or anything of that sort. And Adil was so proud of Toby.

As he walked home from the market, bags in hand, Adil found himself lost in thoughts of it all. Who would have thought he would end up here, happy with the man he had loved for so long. _More_ than happy. He thought of all of it…how things had started with them, the years they were so painfully separated, and of course, the past few years they had been together. Living together like a regular couple, sharing a bed and a flat and a _life_. Toby was his everything. And Adil knew the feelings were reciprocated. He smiled just thinking about it. No matter how long it had taken them, here they were.

The sun was setting by the time Adil reached his and Toby’s flat. He set one of the bags down to unlock the door and push it open, eyebrows furrowed when he realized the lights were mostly out and there was a trail of candles on either side of the walkway.

“Toby?” he called out.

“Just follow the damn candles!”

Adil couldn’t help but laugh, following the candles, first to the kitchen where he set down the bags, then into the dining room.

They didn’t use the dining room often. Mostly just when Freddie and Emma visited, or the rare times Lady Hamilton visited, which was mostly when Adil had work (though there had been a few times he had spent the night hiding in the bedroom, something Toby had expressed hatred for many times). Adil was pretty sure Toby only _had_ a dining room because his mother had insisted, though God knew it was relatively pointless and they mostly used it to store stuff that didn’t fit elsewhere.

There were candles around the room, and the table was done up nicely with more candles and some dishes that appeared to be Indian. Adil’s looked around in wonder. “Did you do all this while I was at the market?” he finally managed, the first question he managed.

Toby was dressed casually, but gorgeously, in lighter slacks and a white button up shirt, the top couple buttons undone. Adil could see the mark he had sucked below Toby’s collarbone the night before. He laughed, walking over to Adil and wrapping his arms around him. “Well I’ve been doing all the cooking while you’re at work and hiding it in the ice box. The candles…well…I had to move quickly. I didn’t know how long you’d be.”

Adil chuckled. “All this for me?”

“I don’t spoil you as much as I should,” Toby said matter-of-factly, pulling out one of the chairs for Adil.

“Toby…you spoil me all the time,” he laughed.

“Well now seems like a good time to spoil you even more…” he sat down across from Adil. “It’s our anniversary.”

Adil paused, doing the math in his head. As it was September, it was more of an anniversary of the _very_ start. He chuckled after a moment. “Yes, I suppose it is in a way,” he looked over the dishes on the table. “You made Indian food.”

“I tried,” Toby laughed nervously. “It wasn’t easy. Finding the recipes and ingredients and all. But you’re always talking about how much you miss it, so I figured I should at least attempt it…”

Adil felt his heart swell. “You are something else, Toby Hamilton.”

Toby gave the grin that made Adil’s heart pound and his stomach do flip-flops. “It’s all for you, Adil Joshi,” he laughed, before adding as an afterthought, “Though you should pretend you’re enjoying it, even if it’s awful.”

Adil laughed as Toby started to dish food. “And then I’ll teach you how to cook it right,” he teased.

“Hey, I could have done a wonderful job,” Toby said with mock offense.

And truly, Toby hadn’t done too bad a job. It wasn’t like his mother’s cooking, but for someone who had never attempted something like this before, Adil thought it wasn’t half bad. Toby was looking at him expectantly. “You did a great job, Toby,” he grinned. “We’ll work on it a bit, but you did a great job.”

Toby beamed proudly. “I’ve been tasting it as I make it…we don’t have anything like this in England.”

“Your food is downright bland compared to ours,” Adil smiled slyly.

“So you’ve mentioned in the past,” Toby laughed.

The two ate, making easy conversation in between, laughing and just enjoying each other’s company. Adil thought about how he had never been so happy…how he never thought he would be so happy. Seven years ago, Toby Hamilton had come into his life and turned everything upside down, and he couldn’t be happier about it. He never thought they’d end up here, like this.

“There’s one more thing…” Toby said after they had cleared the dishes.

“Dessert?” Adil teased.

“I didn’t have time to make dessert,” Toby laughed sheepishly. “But…I think it’s something better than dessert.”

Toby reached into his pocket, taking out a little box and putting it on the table in front of Adil.

“What’s this?”

“Open it.”

Adil opened the box to see two gold rings. His eyes widened. “Toby…”

“I know we can’t _legally_ get married…or even be together…but you’re still the man I want to spend my life with. And I figured we should have… _something_.”

Adil’s breath caught in his throat as Toby slid one of the rings onto his finger. Tears burned at the corners of his eyes. “I love you, Toby Hamilton.”

“I love you too, Adil Joshi,” Toby said with a warm smile as Adil took the other ring with shaking fingers and slid it onto Toby’s finger.

So maybe things weren’t perfect with the world. Toby and Adil couldn’t be properly together in public. There would always be some sort of class division, some sort of race division. Their relationship could only be shared with a select few. But here, together, the two of them had everything they needed. And in each other’s arms, in each other’s lips, their homey flat and love that never died against all odds, they were as close to perfection as any two people could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who has stuck with me with this thing. I really enjoyed writing it...I'm working on another multichapter story, but I also have some one-shot ideas...I guess we'll see what gets finished up first.
> 
> And as always, thank you for the kudos and comments. They make for a happy Zoé. :D

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for all the kudos and comments! It makes me feel like I'm doing something right!


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